


Twenty-Six Times Brighter than the Sun

by lindsaylaurie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, M/M, Marauders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 17:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1312684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lindsaylaurie/pseuds/lindsaylaurie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of Remus and Sirius' relationship through multiple flashbacks ranging from 'the prank' to Lily and James' wedding to Harry's birth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for the R/S Bigbang in 2011. You should check it out here: https://sites.google.com/site/rsbbarchive/home/twenty-six-times-brighter-than-the-sun because it has some amazing pictures to go along with it! At one point I was ridiculously proud of this fic, but it's nearing 3 years old (jesus) and I hope it's still okay!

" _I don't think you should go in there, Remus."_

_Startled, he stopped in his tracks, outstretched arm hanging in the air, reaching for the doorknob. "Why not?" His eyes found the familiar forms of James and Peter sitting on either side of the door to the second year dormitory._

" _Sirius," Peter said simply, bringing his knees to his chest with some difficulty. "He's…" The blonde trailed off uncomfortably, looking to James._

" _Upset," James supplied, rubbing at his glasses with the corner of his sweater. A similarly uncomfortable air hung about him. "Dunno why… but I reckon he'll be alright in a bit. Just needs some time to himself…"_

_Remus shifted his bag from one shoulder to the other. "Well, maybe we should check on him, just to see if he's alright." The idea of seeing Sirius upset disturbed him just as much as it apparently did the other two, but he had to be sure his friend wasn't doing anything… drastic._

_Of course, Sirius had never made himself out to be the type who would do something drastic, but Remus knew from experience what being "upset" could do to a person. Although, Sirius was a different—probably much stronger—person entirely that would never have dark thoughts like Remus did._

_James replaced his glasses and glanced up at him with a mischievous little grin. "Good idea, go check on him. He won't kill you."_

" _K-kill me?" His hand paused in midair once more._

" _Yeah, he put a crack in James' glasses last time we went in there."_

_Remus swallowed and closed his hand around the doorknob. "I bet you two said something thick to him." Though entirely plausible, the statement was really only meant to reassure himself. "I'll be right out."_

_A chorus of "good luck" followed him into the dark dormitory._

_With curtains drawn and candles snuffed, the familiar dormitory became downright spooky. Remus pulled out his wand, hesitating for a moment before deciding not to light it. Instead, he tossed his bag onto his bed and took a few steps towards the place he knew Sirius' bed would be. Squinting into the darkness, he could see the faint outline of the curtains drawn around the bed._

" _Sirius? Are you there? It's Remus." He kept his voice quiet, as if talking to a wounded animal. If he kept calm and didn't upset Sirius further, he wouldn't get hit as James had._

_The sound of sheets crinkling answered the question well enough. He chanced a few more steps, continuing until he stood close enough to touch the hangings. "Is something wrong?"_

_A hoarse voice he scarcely recognized answered back. "Sod off."_

_Against his better judgment, Remus grabbed a bit of curtain, but didn't pull back just yet. "I just want to know if you're alright…"_

_Remus knew he wasn't good at this sort of thing; nothing he could say would make any difference in the least. He supposed no twelve-year-old boy knew how to comfort someone, which was why his friends had opted to sit in the hall instead. Not only had he no clue what to do, he felt highly uncomfortable in the presence of someone so clearly distraught, especially if that someone was Sirius._

" _I'm fine."_

_He could have dropped it right then, could have walked right back out of the room and announced that Sirius was "fine." But that didn't sit well with him, especially when Sirius did not sound fine at all. Remus just couldn't go back out there without finding out why._

_But a nagging voice in the back of his mind told him it wasn't his place to meddle. Sure, he'd been friends with Sirius for nearly two years now, but he didn't want to assume they were close enough for something so personal. It would have been better if it was James standing in front of the curtain. Though they were all friends, everyone knew Sirius and James got along best._

_His hand trembled as he peeled back the curtain at an agonizingly slow pace. Sirius or James would have torn the thing open with a dramatic flair, but not Remus. Remus just slid it back in an excruciating strip tease._

_There lay Sirius, sprawled out on top of all the sheets with his face buried in the pillow. It took him only a second to snap to attention. "I told you, I'm fine!"_

_It was obviously a lie. His thick black hair lay in disarray, as if he'd been tugging at it in frustration. Red, swollen eyes glared and tears stained his cheeks._

_Remus bit his lip as he let his hand fall away from the curtain. It had been a mistake; he should have left Sirius alone and minded his own business. But it was too late for that. "Can I sit down?"_

_Great, after finding one of his friends in a right state, all he could say was "can I sit down." As he silently cursed himself, a curious thing happened. Sirius sat up and shifted over to the foot of the bed._

" _I guess."_

_Remus eased himself onto the bed, careful to keep his distance from Sirius. The other boy turned away, rubbing his eyes furiously and staring in the opposite direction. They were certainly not going to make any progress like that. Well, at least he had gotten further than James._

_He needed a new approach; questioning Sirius obviously did not work. "Um, Sirius?" The words were out of his mouth before he could recall them. Sirius glanced up only for a moment._

" _What."_

_His mind worked furiously as he tried to think of something, anything. He shouldn't have even opened his mouth. Saying 'nothing' now would ruin any progress he had made; if any progress had been made to begin with._

" _Did you know that Sirius is the brightest star in the sky? It's twenty-six times brighter than the sun."_

_The daftest things came out of his mouth sometimes._

_An odd choking noise bubbled out from Sirius' throat, something between a snort and a laugh. "No. No I didn't." He paused to rub at his nose with his sleeve. "Is that supposed to mean something?"_

_Remus picked at the hem of his old sweater with a little frown. "I guess not. Forget I said anything."_

_Silence filled the room. At least he'd gotten Sirius to speak in full sentences, if only for a minute. The quiet buzzed in Remus' ears for far too long, causing him to fear he had messed everything up. Relief flooded over him when the other boy opened his mouth again._

" _You can't say something mental and then just take it back." Sirius watched him with a hint of amusement in his haunted grey eyes._

" _Well… that's your name, Sirius," Remus began, unsure of what exactly he was getting at. "And… I don't know what's wrong, but you'll be okay because you're twenty-six times brighter than the sun. Well, I mean you don't give off light, and I don't mean bright as in smart, but I'm not saying you're not smart…" His cheeks burned and his eyes darted away to rest on a spot on the floor. It had to be the stupidest thing he had ever said._

_Sirius seemed to think so too, for at that moment a weak laugh filled the dark room. He slouched forward, covering his face with his arms and shook for a moment or two while Remus just fidgeted awkwardly. Finally, the laughter subsided and he looked up once more. "Thanks… I guess." And with that he slid his arms around the other boy for a split second in the most awkward hug Remus had ever received._

" _Um… you're welcome?" Remus folded his hands into his lap, finding his face had grown hotter than ever. "I suppose I should do my homework now."_

_After a long moment of staring at his hands while Sirius' gaze burned into him, Remus got to his feet and scrambled towards the door. He could hear Sirius chuckling from the bed behind him._


	2. Chapter 2

Sleep evaded Sirius Black.

Tired eyes stared at the stark white wall muddied in the darkness. Only a half hour or so had passed since he first lay down, but he knew sleep would never find him. Although his body screamed for rest after a full day of Order business, it would not come. He seldom slept through the night anyway. Terrible thoughts would always plague his mind, keeping him awake until the early hours of the morning when he finally succumbed to exhaustion.

Not a single day passed without agonizing over the decision he'd made only a month prior. Rather than keep the secret of his best friend's whereabouts, he had given the duty to another. Peter Pettigrew. It made most sense, to Sirius anyway. No one would suspect a little thing like him to be capable of keeping such an important secret. But that was just it; little Peter couldn't possibly hold up under torture like Sirius could...

Nevertheless, Lily and James had thought it to be a good idea as well. It wasn't as if the decision had been Sirius' alone. Still, he couldn't help but wish Remus would have been there to put in his two cents. Being the most logical of the group, he always knew exactly what to do.

Too bad he was also the traitor.

No matter how much Sirius didn't want to believe it, Remus Lupin could not be trusted, plain and simple. But that wasn't something he particularly wanted to think about—especially on a sleepless night. The only person he really needed to worry about at that moment was Peter.

Sirius rarely visited his old schoolmate, instead opting to exchange owls almost daily, mostly due to Sirius' newfound paranoia. He would have gone to Peter's hideout every day if it wouldn't have been highly suspicious. Sometimes he felt like he was already pushing it with the constant stream of owls. Visits were reserved for times when Sirius could not bear the pressing worry anymore.

That night felt like one of those times.

Determining that he would never get to sleep, Sirius slid out of bed, fumbled for his wand, and turned on the lights. He glanced at his watch. Barely nine. It didn't matter when he went to bed anymore; he slept whenever he could. With great haste he threw on his clothes, fingers trembling by the time he pulled on his shoes.

Of course he was just being silly, as always. Trivial things seemed to set him off: a howl in the night, an odd looking owl, or even—he loathed to admit—a black cat. That night happened to be Halloween.

There was nothing particularly special about Halloween; just a spooky day for small children to dress up as monsters and everyone else to go to wild parties. The thought that something bad would happen on Halloween sounded particularly melodramatic, but it didn't stop Sirius from heading out the door. Peter wouldn't mind anyway; he had to be pretty bored locked up in that little flat day after day.

Despite having more money than he knew what to do with, Sirius lived in a similarly tiny flat in a dreary muggle neighborhood. More often than not, he found himself out doing work for the Order at all hours. The location and size of his house did not matter much when he only needed a place to sleep.

His motorbike sat right outside the front door, concealed with a simple disillusionment charm. The neighborhood muggles never paid him any attention anyway, as they were all under the impression he owned a rather vicious attack dog. The charm faded away with a flick of his wand as he mounted. He had never been the best at apparating, instead opting to fly around on his motorbike, which was infinitely cooler anyway.

He rode the bike to the end of the street before taking to the sky. The muggles in the neighborhood were out at parties or begging for candy in nicer areas. No one there to see a flying motorbike.

As the bike whizzed through the night sky, Sirius repeatedly told himself he was being silly in an attempt to quiet his frantic heart and shaking hands. Nevertheless, he hit the ground running when his bike touched down just inside the gates of a rundown old house in the middle of nowhere. The bike was cast aside, engine rumbling noisily as it clattered to the ground. His fists beat at the door the moment he skidded to a halt outside it.

"Wormtail! You there?"

The relentless knocking paused for a moment.

No answer.

Sirius pounded the door more furiously, a sick feeling creeping into his stomach. "Pete! It's me! Open up!" Another pause as he leaned forward to press his ear against the door, straining to hear the slightest suggestion of motion.

A fraction of a second was spared for rational thought. Maybe he was sleeping, or in the shower, or reading, or… sleeping.

Blood pounding in his ears, Sirius pulled out his wand and blasted the door open. It was a shame his rationality had lasted for a mere moment, for he had the keys in his back pocket.

"Peter! Where are you?" he bellowed, rushing into the tiny flat without a moment's hesitation. Not a hair out of place; everything looked to be exactly as it had been the last time Sirius had been there. The peeling wallpaper, empty picture frames, ratty furniture, all untouched.

Seeing no better way to search, Sirius set his wand down and transformed. His clothes fell away as his skin sprouted thick black fur and his body morphed into a canine shape. The dog thundered through the house, nose to the ground, sniffing for any trace of life. Nothing. No one was in the house.

Discarded clothes were pulled on with renewed fervor. Sirius knew exactly where he had to go.

The night whipped past as he sped into Godric's Hollow at full speed. Wind tore at his once perfect black hair, tangling it even worse than it had been. He never wore a helmet. His destination would hopefully, mercifully, be invisible; a blank spot in a neat row of houses.

He nearly lost his balance when he saw it. Clearly visible, roof torn off and everything, sat the house of his best friend. But Sirius pressed on, gripping the handlebars harder than ever. Some kind of mistake had been made. The paranoia gripping his mind had simply started playing tricks on his eyes. Naturally, naturally...

Figures took shape in the night, scattered on the lawn of the ruins. Members of the Order. Right, they had shown up just in time and nothing bad had happened. James, Lily, and Harry were with them, Sirius just couldn't make them out in the darkness.

"James! James!"

All the figures turned towards him with lighted wands. Hagrid, Kingsly, Sturgis, Emmeline… Not one of them was James.

But Hagrid held something that looked suspiciously like a baby.

Sirius' legs didn't quite work as he stumbled off his bike and into the yard, hurtling towards the hulking figure with the bundle of blankets. Hagrid had Harry; it had to be Harry in those blankets. He had lived. They all had lived.

The big man frowned the moment he saw Sirius. Little black eyes shined with tears and his whole body shook. "Oh Sirius… 's t-terrible."

"Hagrid, where's James? Lily? Harry?" Sirius couldn't bring himself to look Hagrid in the eyes, fearing the worst. He kept his gaze trained on the bundle in the big man's arms. It was Harry, it had to be Harry, and he was still alive. Everything was fine.

The baby stirred as Hagrid shifted him towards Sirius. "I g-got 'arry. Lily and James t-t-they..." the rest of the sentence faded away as Hagrid began to sob.

They were dead.

Tearing past Sturgis and Kingsly, Sirius pelted up the porch and skidded to a halt. The door had been blown open and hung uselessly on its hinges, revealing the grisly scene inside.

Sirius had been to the Potter's house countless times before they went into hiding. Everything in the living room looked exactly as it used to, albeit a little mussed. The coffee table had been knocked over, a lamp broken, several picture frames smashed on the floor.

And his best friend lay sprawled out on the stairs.

_It had been ages since Sirius dressed up for anything, let alone a wedding. Special occasions rarely seemed to pop up in his life away from his parents. When he had lived with them, getting dressed up had been associated with stuffy formal gatherings involving his parent's rich friends or relatives. Not particularly great memories._

_Despite his bad childhood experiences, he had gone all out on his dress robes. The fact that he would only wear them once didn't stop Sirius from purchasing the most handsome black robes with a flattering cut and gold embellishments he could find._

" _Isn't it a bit rude to dress better than the bride?"_

_Sirius tore his gaze away from the full length mirror to look at the man standing next to him. Though they had already gotten dressed in their own flat, Sirius and Remus had been assigned Sirius' old room at the Potter's house to "get ready." Really, they were only there to control James, who had left only moments ago to supposedly wash his face. Sirius thought he might drown himself._

" _You don't look so bad yourself, Moony."_

_When Sirius first asked what he planned on wearing to the wedding, Remus had responded with "my dress robes."_

_But that did not sit well with Sirius. Remus possessed the ugliest dress robes known to mankind; a heavily worn garment that had probably been passed down through his family for at least a thousand years. Now a ghastly shade of grey, the original color had been lost for centuries. Sirius simply could not let him wear something like that to a wedding, especially his best friend's wedding._

_Remus dismissed the compliment with a wave of his hand. "I still want to know how much you spent on all this."_

" _I told you not to worry, Moony. How often do we get nice things?" Sirius chided, reaching to adjust the collar of Remus' brand new tan robes. Though not as flashy as Sirius', he couldn't help but think that Remus looked better, somehow more refined._

" _Not often I suppose." Remus pushed away the other man's hands and smoothed out the collar for himself. "Feels odd, doesn't it? James getting married, I mean. Seems like just yesterday we were consoling him as he sobbed uncontrollably."_

_Sirius grinned wickedly, running his fingers through his hair as he stared into the mirror. "That was yesterday, mate. It was one hell of a bachelor party."_

" _Ah, how could I have forgotten?" A similar grin crossed Remus' face as he dusted off his robes. "Can't have been easy for James to get all that taffy out of his hair, even with magic."_

_Sirius wound his arms around Remus' waist and rested his head in the crook of his neck. "It was proally his mum who did it, proally sobered him up too. How did he manage to make it home? Can't remember, I was pretty knackered myself."_

" _I brought him home on your bloody motorbike," Remus said dryly, having a bit of a problem adjusting himself with Sirius hanging all over him. "That thing is a death trap, you know that, right?"_

" _Come off it. It's safer than a broomstick!"_

_A knock at the door cut off any chance of a retort. It swung open without waiting for a response._

" _Prongs! So you haven't drowned!" Sirius released Remus and bounded over to the door where a miserable James stood. Water dripped off his face and hair, making it clear that "washing his face" hadn't just been an excuse._

" _Shove it, Padfoot, my life is over." His tie hung limp and undone around his neck, same as when he left, but now his dress robes were buttoned incorrectly. At least he seemed to be coherent. Before he'd left, the only words out of him had been to excuse himself._

" _What's wrong this time?" Remus asked, peering over Sirius' shoulder. "You forgot how to dress yourself properly?"_

" _No... I just can't do it! She's mental; she can't be in her right mind if she wants to marry me! Or I'm dreaming. I'm going to wake up and we'll be at Hogwarts and we'll all have a good laugh as I tell you about my insane dream." James looked between Remus and Sirius weakly._

" _Just imagine it. I'll say 'Guess what? I had a dream that I was marrying Lily! Yes, Padfoot, Evans. Oh, shut up, it isn't that funny! Want to know what you were doing in my dream then? You and Moony were bent! Ha, isn't that odd? Didn't know you fancied men. Oww, stop hitting me, I can't control what I dream!'" As James spoke, he gestured animatedly to the wardrobe, which Sirius could only guess represented his younger self._

" _Well, Moony, I reckon it finally happened."_

" _Yeah, Prongs has finally lost it."_

" _It's not funny!" James shouted, attention snapping back to Remus and Sirius. "It's your fault!" He jabbed a finger wildly at Sirius. "You slipped something in my drink last night!"_

" _Did not. Why would I try to poison you on your wedding day?" Actually, Sirius could think of several amusing reasons for spiking James' drink, but he hadn't touched it._

" _Because you want me to die alone or join your harem. I... I don't know what goes on in your mind."_

_Remus raised his eyebrows, looking up to Sirius with mock surprise. "I didn't know you had a harem, Padfoot."_

_That, apparently, was too much for James. "I'M BEING SERIOUS HERE."_

_Sirius bit his lip very hard and Remus clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Hold it in; he's liable to kill you on the spot." Of course Remus knew exactly what Sirius was just dying to say. If James had not been so riled up, he would have known better than to use the word 'serious' and not expect Sirius to make some sort of horrible joke._

" _Listen, James, I'm sorry," Remus said lightly, reaching out to lay his free hand on his friend's shoulder. "Everything is going to be fine. All you have to do is stand there and pay attention enough to know when to say 'I do.' Can you do that?"_

_A feeble noise escaped James' throat, sounding somewhat like 'yes'._

" _Well good, now go fix yourself. Did you get dressed in the dark or something?" Sirius said, gesturing to James' mismatched buttons and undone tie._

" _Moony, why do you put up with this git? Why do I put up with him?"_

_Remus shook his head, reaching over to fix James' tie. "Suppose for the same reason you're marrying Lily."_

_Sirius thought the mention of marriage might have sent James into hysterics again, but he actually laughed instead. "Sorry, mate, I don't exactly feel that way about Sirius, no matter how attractive he thinks he is."_

" _But you made me your best man, you must fancy me at least a bit," Sirius teased, tossing his hair back and fluttering his eyelashes._

_For some reason, that seemed to alarm James. His eyes grew wide and posture tense, startling the other men in the room. "Merlin... Padfoot, the ring, you have it, right? Oh Merlin's beard, that's what I came back here for! I thought I had it, but then I figured you must have, being best man and all." He shook off Remus, who had been working on the mismatched buttons, and lurched forward to grab the front of Sirius' dress robes. "You have it, right Padfoot?"_

_For a moment Sirius considered telling James that he, in fact, did not have the ring, but a dangerous look from Remus quashed this idea. Telling him something like that, while funny, would cause him even more unnecessary mental anguish. Still, it was tempting... just to see what would happen._

_With Remus boring a hole into his head, Sirius had to tell the truth. "Right here, Prongs, don't worry." As if to illustrate his point, he dug a hand into his pocket._

_And came up empty._

_James' scream put banshees to shame._

_Several things happened all at once. James flat out launched himself at Sirius, Remus started forward to stop their fall, and Peter came rushing into the room._

_They fell to the floor in a tangle of bodies as Peter watched in horror. "Geroff, geroff!" Sirius howled, writhing under a furious James. It didn't stop him from diving into Sirius' pockets, rumpling his pristine dress robes._

_Whatever issued from James' mouth was not English, or any language, in any stretch of the imagination. Ghastly, guttural noises rushed out of his throat, unlike anything Sirius had ever heard. Later he would describe it as the noise a troll made when it died._

" _James! I have it, I have it!" Remus shouted, attempting to disentangle himself from the fray._

_James froze in place at once, turning his head very slowly to look at Remus, who scrambled to fish the ring out of his pocket. "I...I forgot I took it last night, didn't trust Padfoot with it."_

_In one fluid motion, James leapt from Sirius to embrace Remus, throwing his whole body at him. "Moony, I could kiss you!"_

" _I would rather you didn't," Sirius growled, getting to his feet and pulling James off the bewildered Remus._

" _What the bloody hell is going on?"_

_Three pairs of eyes found Peter standing in the doorway, a look of serious concern written all over his pudgy face._

_He was met with a chorus of "Nothing."_

"Sirius? C-come onter the lawn, alright?"

He had no idea how long he had been standing there when Hagrid placed a massive hand on his back and steered him away. "'s gonna b-be okay"

Nothing was ever going to be okay.

A cold sort of indifference settled over Sirius as he tried to make sense of everything. Peter had betrayed them, that much he could figure out. There had been absolutely no sign of a struggle at his flat, so, logically, he had to be the traitor. Sirius had to kill him. Even if it took an eternity and he had to search the whole world, Sirius had to find Peter and kill him.

The sky and ground blurred together in an unrecognizable smear as Hagrid babbled on with useless words of comfort. He might have gone on forever if a high pitched wail hadn't interrupted. They both flinched.

"O-oh 'm supposed ter take Harry t-t-er his aunt's house." The baby sniffled as Hagrid absently rocked him. Some of the blankets fell away, giving Sirius a good look at Harry's face for the first time.

A thin, lightning bolt shaped scar shined on his forehead.

The anger licked at Sirius like a wildfire. What kind of monster attacked a child like that? Granted, Harry lived, but it made Sirius sick to think he'd been harmed in any way. "What happened to him?" He clenched his fists at his sides.

Hagrid hesitated, shifting the baby in his arms to soothe him. "They haven't g-got it all figur'd out yet, but it looks like You-Know-Who t-t-tried ter use the killin' curse on Harry and it backfired."

Sirius swallowed hard, somewhat hindered by the growing lump in his throat. "Then that means...?"

"Right... He might be gone."

On any other occasion, Sirius would have been ecstatic at the thought of life finally becoming normal. No more fighting, or death, or betrayal… But life couldn't be normal, not anymore. Lily and James gone, Peter a traitor...

But he still had Remus.

Oh Merlin, Remus. All this time Sirius had been convinced that his Moony had been the double agent. How could he have even thought that? Well, actually he had several good reasons for thinking that—most of them involving other werewolves and suspicious activity—but all that didn't matter anymore. After he killed Peter, he would find Remus and beg for forgiveness. After he killed Peter, he could finally rest.

But first, Harry. When he made sure that baby was safe, he could kill Peter. Right, he had to get a plan together. Get Harry to his aunt's house, kill Peter, apologize to Remus, mourn his best friend. "Hagrid, let me take him."

The half-giant looked a little startled by the request. "Sorry Sirius... Dumbledore's orders were fer me ter take him." His shoulders sagged and head drooped, as if he really were genuinely sorry.

Fine, Sirius could trust Hagrid with Harry. One thing could be crossed off his to do list at least. "Take my bike then."

"S-suppose it would be faster..."

Sirius thrust the keys at Hagrid before he could say anything else. "I'll hold Harry while you start it up."

Hagrid seemed to hesitate for a moment, no doubt told not to hand the baby over for anything. Finally he said, "'course, Sirius... Y-yer his godfather."

His resolve almost shattered the moment Hagrid placed that baby in his arms. He had to remind himself that Harry would be safe with his aunt for the time being. Sirius would come and collect him after he had killed Peter. Then he could raise Harry as a proper wizard, just as James would have.

Of course, Sirius never stopped to think of the consequences for murder.

Time slowed as Sirius passed Harry to half-giant seated on the motorbike. The poor thing groaned under the weight of the huge man, but Sirius forced himself to ignore it. He had more important things to worry about than his bike.

"Have a safe flight." Sirius found his voice sounded odd in his head, felt different in his mouth. It was as if someone else were speaking in that calm, detached voice.

"'Course. I'll b-b-bring the bike round to yer place later."

All Sirius could do was nod as the motorbike roared to life. He watched it take off and didn't stop until it had gone. The other Order members paid him no mind as they milled about the lawn, inspecting things here and there. Not one flinched when he turned on the spot and vanished.

Of course, Sirius had no idea where Peter would be. He had no leads, not even a hint of where that traitor could have gone. His only option seemed to be returning to the hideout.

The door flapped open, just as Sirius left it only an hour before. Had it really been an hour? It seemed like an eternity since he had searched the flat for that bastard. He picked his way through the living room methodically, turning over the cushions on the sofa and looking under all the furniture. Really, what did he expect to find? A letter from the Dark Lord himself with exact details on where to find Peter? No one was that thick, not even Peter.

Sirius had been going through the bedroom when a tap at the window nearly gave him a heart attack. He leapt to his feet, wand out and whole body tensed. Only an owl, only a bloody owl tapping at the window. He scrambled to the window and wrenched it open, allowing the bird to flutter into the room. It landed on the bedpost, foot outstretched. The letter slid easily from the owl's leg and was ripped open with a savage urgency. The bird watched the frantic man pour over the letter for a moment before taking flight once more.

At first, Sirius found he had lost the ability to read. No matter how many times he stared at the short letter, its meaning evaded him. After swearing violently under his breath, he forced himself to focus.

Wormtail,

Do remember to finish my laundry. I'll be very cross if the Dark Lord has to see me in these dirty old robes.

-Bellatrix Lestrange

Sirius had half a mind to crumple the paper right then and there and toss it in the fire. Well, there was no fire, but he would make one just to dispose of the letter. He paused as a new thought entered his head. Maybe the letter contained some sort of code.

Or his bloody cousin couldn't do her own laundry.

Shoving the letter into his pocket, Sirius ran to the tiny kitchen. Earlier he had seen a wash basin in the corner, but thought nothing of it. Now that he looked into the soapy water he could see a number of feminine clothes swirling around.

"Alright, so he's doing her laundry. What does that mean?" Sirius said aloud to the empty room. His voice sounded awful, a hoarse rasp. "Suppose it means I should take a look in the washbasin, right, Moony? Sounds like a good idea, doesn't it, James?"

He plunged a shaking hand into the dirty water and pulled out a long set of deep blue dress robes. The pockets had already been turned inside out. Nothing.

"Suppose she has Wormtail wash her unmentionables too?"

The thought struck Sirius as hilarious. He threw his head back and laughed until his throat hurt; laughed until it sounded like sobs.

The soggy dress robes hit the floor with a squelch as Sirius discarded them. He reached into the basin again, pulling up another elaborate set of robes. This time he dug his fingers into one of the pockets and scraped something hard at the bottom.

He pulled back his hand to discover a small silver object with a button on the side. Not really thinking, Sirius pushed the button, causing an ominous blade to shoot out from the end of it. A few feeble giggles fell from his lips.

Just as he was about to toss the sword into the corner, he caught sight of the inscription on the handle. Bourgin and Burkes. No surprise there. He turned the sword over in his hands to find a smaller button than the first. Thinking it probably retracted the sword, Sirius pressed it.

And found himself somewhere else entirely.

A row of similar houses closed in around him, rounding out at one end of the street. For some reason, the thing had brought him to a neighborhood. It quickly became apparent why: Peter Pettigrew stood directly in front of him.

If he had to guess, he assumed the sword had been some way for the Death Eaters to keep track of Peter. But it didn't really matter at that moment; his prey stood quivering before him.

The sword clattered to the ground as Sirius whipped out his wand. The look of surprise that crossed that traitor's fat face pleased him to no end.

"Sirius! What are you—"

But he was in no mood to chat. A jet of light shot out of his wand and missed Peter by inches, shattering the bulb of a street light and showering the ground with sparks. "Dammit!"

Peter paled, beads of sweat already forming at his brow. He fumbled for his own wand, holding it up in a feeble imitation of a dueling pose. "Sirius, I can't believe you would do this!" he cried in a shrill, piercing voice.

Another jet of light from Sirius' wand missed its mark. "What are you going on about?" His knuckles went white against the hilt of his wand.

"I can't believe you would betray Lily and James!" Sparks shot out of the end of Peter's wand. "They were your friends and you told the Dark Lord exactly how to find them!"

Sirius could have dropped his wand in rage. Instead he gripped it tighter, eyes focused on Peter and Peter alone. He didn't pay a second glance to the crowd of sleepy muggles peering out of their houses. "WHAT THE—"

The rest of his shouts were swallowed up in an explosion that knocked him off his feet. He hit the ground hard and lay sprawled out on his back for a moment before jumping to his feet. His whole body screamed with protest, but he was past caring about the pain.

From what he could see, Peter's side of the street had been blown wide open.

Smoke obscured the details, but Sirius could see no trace of the other man in the rubble. He ran forward, clearing away the smoke with his wand and stopping to peer into the new hole. A lone finger lay in the middle of the rubble.

No trace of Pettigrew or the sword that had brought Sirius there.

Only then did Sirius take notice of the chaos unfolding around him. People were screaming and running about as if the world had come to an end. A few lay on the ground, motionless and badly burned. Some looked towards Sirius with fear while others pointed at him.

"It was him! He caused the explosion!"

They were muggles, how could Sirius explain to them what had gone on? With no other option, Sirius disapparated as the crowd of scared people closed in on him.


	3. Chapter 3

He had been eating breakfast when he heard the news.

On a morning like any other, Remus Lupin hunched over his dry toast and coffee, half asleep and exhausted. He tasted nothing as the meal slid over his tongue. All he could think about was going back to sleep, for even a minute longer, but he had to eat. He woke himself up early just to make sure he ate something before he lost his appetite.

The war had him seeking out his own kind in an attempt to convert them to "the right side;" as if either side was right anymore. Remus had watched his former classmates commit murder, torture spies, and a number of atrocities all in the name of what was "right."

Nothing was right; nothing was ever going to be right again.

The owl from the Daily Prophet pecked at his window and Remus considered ignoring it. The paper would bring more death, more heartbreak. It took all the strength he had to slide his chair back across the battered linoleum and reach to unlatch the window. The usual tawny owl swooped in and landed next to his coffee, rattling the tiny table. Suppressing a yawn, Remus deposited a coin into the pouch around the owl's leg and took the paper. He watched the owl fly away before even glancing at the headline.

_DARK LORD VANQUISHED_

That woke him up.

Trembling fingers ripped away the bit of rubber band keeping the paper together and unfurled it in a hurry. It had to be a dream, or a sick joke, or the answer to all his prayers.

_Late last night, You-Know-Who met his end in Godric's Hallow, defeated by the most unlikely of heroes: a baby._

The words didn't make any sense. He read the first line a dozen times before the meaning sank in. Godric's Hollow. A baby. His eyes flew across the page, growing wider and wider as he continued. Voldemort had been defeated, but at a terrible cost.

Lily and James, gone.

The paper nearly fell from his shaky hands into his half-eaten toast. Sirius told. That bloody traitor told the Dark Lord everything.

Blurry eyes caught sight of the next article. He had to blink the moisture out of his eyes to make out the headline.

_ALLEGED POTTER SECRET KEEPER ARRESTED_

_After telling the Dark Lord the location of the Potters, one Sirius Black set out to murder a close friend, Peter Pettigrew. Not only did he succeed, he blew up the whole street of a muggle neighborhood, killing thirteen innocent victims and wounding countless others._

The Daily Prophet fluttered into the breakfast he no longer had the stomach for. He could not bring himself to read the rest.

In a single night, Sirius Black had ruined his entire life.

The chair clattered to the floor as Remus leapt to his feet. He swayed on the spot for a moment before lurching towards his bedroom. All previous thoughts floated away, replaced with one all consuming notion. His life was truly over. Remus had died along with Lily, James, and Peter.

The room disappeared as he crashed into his bed and just lay there. Breath came in short, uneven bursts, keeping pace with his frantic heart. Remus buried his face into the pillow, nails digging into the bed sheets.

The pillow smelled like Sirius.

It hadn't been a conscious decision to take Sirius' pillow when he moved out. Somehow, it had just gotten mixed up in all of his stuff and Remus never bothered to return it. They had left on unfriendly terms, so giving back the pillow seemed highly inappropriate.

The pillow hit the floor rather violently.

It was Sirius, always Sirius.

And Remus the fool loved him once, maybe even still did.

He should have seen the signs. On plenty of occasions Sirius' behavior could be considered questionable, or even downright criminal. But every single time, without fail, Remus would write it off as a bit of fun, something he just had to live with. It was the price for loving Sirius. Only in retrospect could he see the maliciousness behind his every action...

But what about Harry? In all of his self-pity he had forgotten the one person who would be affected most by the whole ordeal. So what if Remus had lost all of his friends. Harry had lost his parents at one year old. Right then and there Remus swore he would do everything in his power to make sure Harry would not suffer. He would not suffer as Remus did.

Having dressed before breakfast, Remus merely had to slip on his coat before exiting the house. He had to see Dumbledore, he would know where to find Harry and somehow make everything better. Remus had grown up with the notion that the old Headmaster could do anything. Though he now knew better, that there were some things no man could do, he couldn't help but think that Dumbledore had everything worked out.

As he made his way to the door, he caught sight of himself in the hall mirror. A gaunt, red eyed creature stared back at him. What could he possibly do for Harry? Not adopt him, surely. No one would give a child to a dangerous animal. Maybe... maybe it was better that Harry did not know him at all. Dumbledore would see to it that the baby found a good home, somewhere far away from his father's former charge.

And that's what Remus was, some sort of pet to James. The man had funded his life after Hogwarts and took care of him during. Now James had died and Remus left without a master.

But they were friends, Remus told himself, shaking his head. They were friends; he need not remember James as anything else.

His thoughts drifted back to Sirius as he stepped out into the chilly morning air.

_Something wasn't right._

_Somehow, Remus knew that much._

_Voices above him seemed to confirm his suspicions. Uneasy, hushed whispers, someone sobbing. Remus wished he could open his eyes, but they felt as if they had been glued shut. Everything ached, common for the morning after a transformation. He had to be in the hospital wing, but couldn't quite remember how he'd gotten there._

" _H-he'll be alright, won't he?"_

_It took several moments for Remus to identify the speaker. He heard the voice often, but never in such a hoarse, desperate state. It was the first time he had ever heard Sirius Black cry._

_Though a rare occurrence, Remus had seen the other boy cry before, but it had always been a silent affair. Sirius would scrub away his tears in silence, never letting out so much as a sob, nothing like the pathetic moaning that filled the room._

_Heavy eyelids remained shut, no matter how hard Remus tried to open them. His body rebelled, refusing to move an inch. For a frantic moment, Remus wondered if he was dying, or maybe he had already died. He didn't know what it was like to be dead; maybe he would just stay trapped in his lifeless body forever._

" _Yes, but he's lucky he only got the claws. Honestly, what were you boys thinking?"_

_Claws. They were talking about Remus. He had maimed someone._

_Blind panic spread through his body like poison. Someone had been hurt because of him. He had nearly given someone his affliction and maybe he had taken off a limb or two in the process. It had to be one of his friends, Sirius wouldn't be crying like that if it were not Peter or James..._

_Remus forced his eyes open, heart beating a frantic tattoo against his ribs. White curtains surrounded his bed, confirming that he was indeed in the hospital wing. His mouth worked furiously in an attempt to speak, but only managed to utter a strangled whisper._

_The curtain fluttered back, revealing the comforting figure of_ Madame _Pomfrey. "Are you alright, Lupin?"_

_It took all the strength he could muster to nod back. He tried to speak again, but the words died on his tongue._

_"I had to give you a sedative while you were transformed, dear," she said with a heavy sigh. "Very powerful, I'm afraid. It should wear off by this afternoon."_

_A miserable Sirius peeked over the woman's right shoulder to give Remus the weakest smile he had ever seen. This only served to further upset him. Just who had he attacked?_

" _Leave him, Black. Just wait until the headmaster finds out about this..." The older woman turned to shoo away Sirius before closing the curtains. Remus could hear her footsteps retreating before sleep took him once more._

_When he next woke the waning sun filtered in through the hangings, giving him the impression that it must have been late afternoon. His thoughts immediately sprang to his victim. Peter or James. Something had gone terribly wrong and he had killed them. The thought churned his stomach, making him physically ill. If he would have been stronger, he would have thrown up._

_Feeling as though he was moving through jelly, Remus struggled to sit up, panting with exertion. He pitched forward out of bed, landing on unsteady legs and nearly getting tangled in the hangings. The light streaming in from the windows threatened to blind him as he swayed on the spot._

" _Moony!"_

_His eyes darted wildly, landing on the figure hurtling towards him. Sirius' hands found his shoulders in an instant, steadying him. "Oh Merlin... Sit down, you look terrible."_

" _I could say the same to you," Remus retorted as Sirius guided him back to the bed. His voice sounded hoarse and dry as if he hadn't spoken in ages._

_The corners of Sirius' mouth twitched for a moment, but he made no attempt to reply. His long dark hair had become a tangled mass and shadows lined his red eyes. Something terrible had to have happened for Sirius to let his hair get like that._

" _What happened?"_

_The question pierced the air like an arrow, making Sirius flinch. He toyed with the ends of his hair as he stared at the floor._

_A growing sense of dread overtook Remus as he stared up at his friend. He had never seen the other boy act like that or look so harried._

" _Sirius, what happened?"_

_Unbearable silence filled the room._

" _He was asking for it."_

_A chill swept over Sirius' features, forming into an expression that did not suit his face in the slightest. He became a stranger, a foreigner who did not resemble Sirius Black._

" _That slimy little git. He kept asking about you, wanted to know why you were always sick."_

_The knot in Remus' stomach contracted. Snape. Merlin's beard, he had killed Snape. His fingers dug into the bed sheets, turning his knuckles white._

" _I told him to come to the shack."_

_He bolted up from the bed so fast it made his head spin. Sirius moved to catch him, but Remus pushed him back with surprising strength. They both swayed on the spot, just staring at each other before Remus made a grab for Sirius' collar. It was not like him to resort to such violence, but then again, it was not like Sirius to be so cruel._

" _What did I do?" He knew he wasn't intimidating in the least. His hands shook and knees wobbled, making his grip more about support than anything._

" _Prongs got the worst of it. He's alright though. Tosser thought he'd be a hero and save Snivelly," Sirius spat, refusing to meet Remus' eyes. "He'll be alright though, nothing permanent. Too bad Snape's going to make it too."_

_What little color remained on Remus' face drained away. He hadn't killed anyone, sure, but... Sirius had told Snape. Sirius had caused of all this and all he could do was say he was sorry Snape hadn't been killed._

_Remus released his grip on Sirius and fell back into the bed. "Why..."_

_For a moment, Sirius almost looked sorry. His expression flickered back to miserable before reverting to the harsh, alien, demeanor. "I told you, he deserved it! Nosy git got what he wanted!"_

_Sirius had the decency to turn away as Remus sobbed._

Of course Sirius was capable of murder. His first victim had nearly been Snape, how could Remus have let that slip his mind? After spending nearly the rest of the sixth year not speaking, Remus finally forgave him and they went on to fall in love or some rubbish like that. Not this time.

After apparating into Hogsmeade and making his way up the castle, Remus set off straight to Dumbledore's office, eyes glued to the floor. Even the ugliest tapestry could have triggered some kind of emotion he did not want at the moment.

The stone gargoyles lay on either side of the staircase, a sign that Dumbledore already had visitors. Of course he would, who wouldn't want to see Dumbledore on that particular day? Remus took the stairs two at a time and paused outside the door. Not wanting to be rude, he waited.

He didn't have to wait long. Not a minute later, the door swung open, nearly hitting him in the process.

Snape stood in the doorway. How fitting.

The sallow faced man looked exactly how Remus felt, if not worse. With the defeat of the Dark Lord, all former Death Eaters had probably gone into a panic; Snape had probably come to beg for Dumbledore's forgiveness. This should have been none of Remus' business and he should have just let the poor man go pass without a fuss.

But something in him snapped. This person had been the enemy, played some small part in the murder of his friends. In a moment, Remus yanked out his wand and jammed under the other man's chin. Snape gave no reaction, instead just stared at him with blank eyes.

"Ah, Remus, wand away please, Severus is my guest." Dumbledore appeared over Snape's shoulder, a thin smile on his lips.

"I was leaving," Snape muttered, sliding past as Remus lowered his wand. He disappeared down the stairs and out of sight.

Though vaguely curious about the nature of Snape's visit, he let it go for the moment. Remus shoved his wand into the pocket of his fraying jeans before looking up at Dumbledore. "Sir, I—"

Dumbledore held up a hand and sighed. "I know, Remus, come inside." He stepped back into his office to allow him to enter.

The headmaster took a seat behind his desk and Remus fell into the chair across from it. He felt like a child again, talking to Dumbledore for the first time and telling him about his affliction. Dumbledore had assured him it wasn't a problem, made him feel like a normal child for once. Now Remus wanted him to do it again, tell him something,  _anything_ , that would make him feel normal.

Neither spoke for a long moment. Just as Remus wondered if he should start, Dumbledore said, "You are, I assume, wondering about Harry?" He glanced at his fingernails with interest for a moment. "Or maybe you have to come to ask about Sirius?"

"Harry. Where is he?" Remus said firmly, clutching at the arms of the chair. A part of him desperately wanted to know what became of Sirius, but he held it back. Sirius had just ruined everything, he didn't deserve even a single thought.

"I have entrusted him to his aunt, Petunia Dursley. We have an agreement that he will live there until he turns seventeen. Harry is safe."

"Muggles? You left Harry with muggles?" He vaguely remembered Lily mentioning her non-magical sister on occasion, but had never met the woman. But she hadn't gone to her own sister's wedding, which was already grounds for dislike.

Dumbledore laced his long fingers together and rested his chin atop them. "Yes, muggles. Not only will Harry grow up under the protection of a blood relative, he will grow up to be a normal boy. Can you imagine him living in our world with the fame he has now?"

"So... I suppose I won't be allowed to see him then," Remus said softly, releasing his iron grip on the armrests. It was for the best, really; he had no official relation to the boy. Sirius had often teased that Remus was, by default, Harry's other godfather, but that had been... before.

Sirius still held the title of Harry's true godfather, but Sirius also held the title of traitor and murderer.

But why? What did Sirius have to gain? How could he have done that? He pushed away those thoughts, as he was still Dumbledore's guest for the moment. Later he would have a chance to mull it all over.

"Petunia and her husband are not the most tolerant of muggles." Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. "While I would not permit you from visiting Harry, I do not think you will be successful." He paused for a moment before continuing. "And I would hope I know you well enough to be sure you will not do anything... drastic."

Maybe Sirius or James would have done some irrational, but Remus knew better. "Don't worry about me, sir."

A weary smile tugged at Dumbledore's lips. "Ah, but I do worry about you, Remus. I suppose I should tell you about Sirius now?"

Remus felt his mouth go dry as he nodded. Though he tried to tell himself he could care less about Sirius, a morbid curiosity had overtaken him. Maybe Dumbledore knew something he didn't, maybe Dumbledore could tell him why Sirius had decided to ruin his life...

"They have taken him to Azkaban, without trial, for a life sentence."

His breath left in one sharp exhale.

Of course, Remus should have expected as much. The article said there had been countless witnesses; a trial would be a waste of time. Still, a nagging part of his mind thought it to be a mistake. An irrational thought hoped a trial would bring to light some overlooked evidence that proved Sirius' innocence.

_Of course Sirius did it. His whole family's so inbred and unstable, what made anyone think he would turn out any different?_

He cursed himself for feeling so guilty about the thought. Sirius had always been sensitive about his family and tried so desperately to distance himself from the lot of them. But, as he'd obviously shown, it hadn't worked.

"If you wish to visit Sirius-"

"No."

"Very well. I know how hard this is for you, Remus. I assure you, I did not think Sirius capable of something like this either. However, the evidence is overwhelming..."

"I know. I'm fine, headmaster." Remus got to his feet stiffly. "Thank you for your time. If there is any more information, please contact me."

Dumbledore nodded gravely. "Of course. Good day."

Remus stopped halfway to the door and turned back to Dumbledore. "Ah, about Snape—"

"You needn't worry about Severus," Dumbledore said firmly, watching Remus over the top of his half-moon spectacles. "He has been spying for us for some time now."

This came as news to Remus. He vaguely wondered if anyone else had known or if Dumbledore alone kept the secret.

"But..."

"Let me assure you Remus, I wholeheartedly trust Severus Snape. I understand that the two of you can never be more than civil to one another, but I ask you to trust him as well."

After a long moment of just staring at Dumbledore, Remus nodded wearily. "Good day to you too, sir."

Really, he had better things to do than wonder about Snape and his sudden switch in allegiance. If Dumbledore had some iron clad reason to trust the man, then so be it.

For a moment, Remus considered going to Godric's Hollow to see the destruction first hand. The article had said that the roof had been blasted off, leaving the house in shambles. What did he expect to find there? An answer, closure? Anything he found there would probably just break his heart further.

Nevertheless, he disapparated straight there after reaching the Hogwarts gates.

And it was worse than he expected.

People of all shapes and sizes crowded around the gate to the yard, clamoring for a better look at the house. Some looked rightfully somber, but most appeared ecstatic. Remus couldn't blame them; after living in fear for so long, who wouldn't be happy? It just seemed deeply wrong for everyone to be celebrating at the site of his best friends' murder. Not that James would mind, he would have encouraged that kind of merry making.

Of course, it was also the site where their infant son defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Remus tried to ignore the music and laughter as he pushed through the crowd to the gates. No one was allowed past, but it was better that way. It spared him the added heartache of seeing the shattered remains of Lily and James' life.

It would kill them to see their blood on the walls. The Killing Curse left no blood, of course, but he couldn't help but wonder if any had been shed anyway.

Ever since he could remember, Remus had quailed at the sight of blood. After transformations, even the smell of it made him sick. Any blood splattering his clothes automatically became the blood of his friends, for he had undoubtedly done something horrible to them. More often than not, it turned out to be his own blood, or the blood of some unfortunate animal. Nevertheless, it always reminded him of what he was capable of.

The house looked just like the picture in the Prophet: a wreck. Remus leaned up against the fence in the sea of bodies for a long while, eyes never leaving the rubble. He could remember when Lily and James first moved in, when they brought Harry home, when they were told they had to go into hiding...

And Sirius was there every step of the way.

" _Moony! Oi, Moony, wake up!"_

_An irritated moan bubbled up in Remus' throat as he attempted to push Sirius away. It was a little difficult to do with the other man shaking him so roughly. "Go away."_

_The shaking only intensified. "James just floo'd me. Lily's been admitted to Saint Mungo's, she's having the baby!"_

_It took a moment for the message to register in Remus' hazy mind. His eyes snapped open as he finally managed to shove Sirius off and sit up. "How far apart are her contractions?"_

_Sirius stared at him openmouthed for a moment. "Now's not the time for things I don't understand!" he barked, leaping off the bed. "Prongs was in a right state. You remember the wedding? Well multiply that by about a million."_

" _Not possible," Remus muttered, sliding out from under the warm quilt and onto the hardwood floor. He stifled a yawn as he shuffled over to the small wardrobe in the corner of the bare room. Neither bothered much with interior decorating, especially when they could be asked to move at any time on Order business. "Did he want us at Saint Mungo's then?"_

" _He didn't exactly say, but I reckon we should go to keep him from offing himself." Sirius appeared at Remus' side, already fully dressed._

" _Have you been up this whole time?" After getting back from a particularly tiring day with the werewolves, Remus had gone straight to sleep without Sirius. A quick glance at his watch told him it was nearly two in the morning, meaning he'd been asleep for a mere four hours._

_Sirius shifted at Remus' side as he rummaged through the drawers. "Well... Prongs told me it might be today and I just wanted to make sure I was awake if it was. You know he can't handle things like this on his own."_

" _True, true." He pulled a fresh set of clothing from the drawers. "Well, go wait by the fire place; I'll be there in a moment."_

_Sirius did as he was told while Remus went to get dressed. He made sure to hurry, but mostly for Sirius' sake. Remus really did not fancy the idea of spending more time than he needed to in a hospital. James and Lily would be fine without them anyway. If anything, Sirius would just add more irritation into the mix._

_Once dressed, Remus was promptly shoved into the fireplace and floo'd to Saint Mungo's. The overanxious Sirius arrived just moments later._

_Remus led the way to the maternity ward, Sirius applauding his sense of navigation the entire time. Really, all Remus did was pay attention to the signs, it wasn't a hard concept to grasp. Finally, they found themselves in sort of a waiting area littered with chairs. An ancient witch sat behind a desk in the corner of the room, next to a door that most likely lead to hospital rooms._

" _Padfoot, Moony!"_

_A weary figure rose from a chair on the opposite side of the room. Peter had made it there first. They met the short blonde in the middle of the room. Obviously he had just woken up as well, for his hair was rumbled and clothes mussed. Remus thought he probably looked just as bad, if not worse. The only person who could never look bad was Sirius. Even with his hair in disarray and stubble on his chin, it was hard not to find him attractive._

_Of course, Sirius started at once with a barrage questions. "Wormtail! Did you just get here too? Have you seen Prongs? Did they have to sedate him? Oh Merlin..." Remus rolled his eyes and merely nodded to Peter in greeting. Honestly, James and Sirius acted like no one had ever had a baby before._

" _Yeah, got here not five minutes ago. The receptionist told me that Lily was admitted umm...," Peter's eyes darted to the clock on the wall, "'bout twenty minutes ago."_

" _Merlin's beard, they actually let Prongs in?" Sirius gasped, wringing his hands. "Moony, go tell that woman there's been a mistake and they've let a madman into the delivery room."_

_For a moment, Remus actually considered doing just that._

_When he had first met James, Remus would have never taken him for the type to go totally bonkers in tense situations. But James usually didn't go full on crazy unless it involved Lily. Once James had threatened to throw himself off the astronomy tower because he found out Lily was dating a Ravenclaw. Took a whole three hours to talk him out of it._

_But hearing no screaming or commotion, he decided against it. "He'll be fine, Sirius. Don't think he'd want to cause a scene with Lily actually present."_

" _I suppose. He's never done that before, be kind of thick to start now."_

_Peter took a seat in the nearest chair, looking slightly anxious. "And the woman over there didn't say anything about him causing a scene."_

_This seemed to relax Sirius a little, for he sat down at least, taking the seat next to Peter. "Well I suppose we just wait then." Remus took this cue and sat on the opposite side of Sirius._

" _Mmm." With a yawn, Remus laid his head on Sirius' shoulder and closed his eyes. Sleep rushed up at him, interrupted abruptly by Sirius._

" _How can you sleep at a time like this?" Sirius asked, sounding mildly irritated. "You're not still upset, are you?"_

_The air around them became stifling as Remus' eyes snapped open and he straightened up. He took a deep breath, considering his next words carefully. "A bit I suppose...You can't tell me you're fine with all this?" Only then did Remus remember exactly where they were. They were not at home; they were in a godforsaken hospital. "And can we not do this in front of Peter?"_

_It took all the willpower Remus had not to turn away from Sirius just then. Before he might have been passive about these sorts of things, but slowly he found himself becoming bolder and bolder. The war had set him on edge and made just about everything irritating to him._

" _I don't care if Wormtail's here. Of course I'm fine with 'all this'," Sirius spat with venom. "Even if I wasn't, there's nothing either of us can do, is there?"_

_Remus bristled. "No, I just wish they would have been more careful. Honestly, bringing a child into a world like this when they're so involved—"_

_Though he could not see Peter from around Sirius, he could hear his breath quicken. He had never been one for confrontation among friends. Bothering other people was all fine and good, but he always grew nervous when they fought amongst themselves._

_The clatter of Sirius' chair echoed off the white walls as he jumped to his feet, startling both Remus and Peter. "Merlin, Moony, is that all you can say? You've told me damn near a million times! They're so young, so irresponsible, what if they orphan that child? Maybe, I don't know, try being happy for someone for once in your life? Sorry that you wish you'd never been born into this mess and that your own father was a drunk—"_

" _Sirius...," Peter muttered pitifully, though he remained seated._

_It was Remus' turn to scramble to his feet. He could only take so much before he snapped. "Don't you bring my father into this!" He balled his fists, desperately trying to gain some sort of control over himself. It used to be so easy to brush off anything Sirius said. "I wasn't insinuating they'd be bad parents, I was only saying this is quite possibly the worst time for them to have a baby. They've run into You-Know-Who himself three times already!"_

" _It's none of your damn business! And a little late to be starting this again." The old receptionist was watching them with sharp eyes by this point. "If you so much as breathe a word of this nonsense to James or Lily, it's over, and I am bloody serious."_

_A nervous cough from Peter broke the palpable silence._

" _I won't say anything." Remus retorted as he felt all the blood drain from his face. He hoped he sounded more confident than he appeared. "But it just might be kinder if they considered... adoption."_

_And then Sirius exploded._

_All at once, Remus found himself being nearly lifted off his feet as Sirius grabbed the front of his shirt and lifted him up. "I can't even believe you Moony! Bloody flipping hell, this is your best friend and his wife you're talking about!"_

" _Which is why I care so much!" Remus shouted back, desperately trying to get out of Sirius' hold. "I don't want to see either of them hurt and I don't think a baby is something they need to be worrying a—"_

_Sirius brought his hand hard across Remus' face. The blood tasted all too familiar in his mouth as he bit his tongue. It was the first time Sirius had ever hit him._

" _Sirius!" Peter got to his feet now, hands held up uselessly. "Stop!"_

_Normal, timid, passive, spineless Remus would have taken it and forgiven Sirius in time. Aggressive, on edge, stressed out, wound up Remus struck back._

_It gave Remus a sort of savage satisfaction to see the look of surprise on Sirius' face. Moony never struck back, Moony just took all of Sirius' bull with disapproving looks, but he never said anything._

_Before Sirius could launch his counter attack, they were blasted apart. Sitting there, dazed, Remus looked to Peter, expecting to see his wand out. But he never acted against Sirius either, Merlin forbid. Peter just stood there, wandless, while the receptionist strode towards them at an alarming pace for an older woman._

_The old face twisted into a nasty expression of utmost discontent. "None of this foolishness in the waiting room!" She thrust her gnarled wand at Remus and Sirius in turn, sparks flying out the end as she did. "I will call security!" And with that, the little witch trotted back to her corner and returned to watching them with hawk eyes._

_Remus got to his feet first and bolted out of the room without looking back. Once in the hallway, he had no idea where he was going. It would just make everything worse if he went back home, and it wouldn't be fair to James. No matter what Remus thought about James' decision, they were still best friends. And maybe everything would work out in the end._

_He banished the thought as he retreated into a nearby restroom. That was just like Sirius to get in his head and make Remus think that his opinions were the problem._

_Luckily, the restroom he'd chosen looked to be very well maintained, as he supposed they had to be in a hospital. Remus leaned over one of the pristine sinks and took a long look at himself in the mirror. His lip bled freely, dribbling down his chin and threatening to stain his shirt, and his left eye was starting to swell. He hadn't sustained any other injuries and idly hoped he hadn't hurt Sirius too badly..._

_No, he hoped he hurt Sirius just as much as Sirius hurt him._

_Cool water from the tap splashed over his face, washing away the blood. He drew the water into his mouth and spat it out, trying to rid his mouth of the metallic taste. Amber eyes found the mirror once more. The bleeding on his lip had stopped, leaving just his rapidly swelling eye. Remus could probably recall some sort of spell to stop it, but his mind was too full to think properly, let alone do magic. It didn't matter, he was in a hospital, someone had to know the proper spell._

_He ran a hand through his tangled hair, wishing he'd had a chance to do something with it. It had grown long enough for a small ponytail, and always looked better that way. Remus never looked as good as Sirius with his hair down._

_The hand stopped abruptly as Remus leaned in closer to the mirror. He pulled at a tuft of hair and squinted critically in the mirror. A gray hair. Twenty years old and he'd found a gray hair. He plucked it out without a second thought. Sirius would tease him endlessly if he knew._

_Sirius would also hit him now, apparently._

_Remus could understand, really. Sirius and James were really close and Remus shouldn't have been saying those things during such a tense situation. But still, Sirius had hit him, and not in a friendly joking sort of way. It had been violent. He meant for it to hurt._

_And he knew he would forgive Sirius the moment he looked at him with those endless gray eyes._


	4. Chapter 4

He had to see Remus.

His former lover had been step two of his brilliant plan. Step one had somewhat failed—that traitor had not offed himself, he had to be out there somewhere—but Remus could help find him. Yes, right. Combining two steps together, brilliant. Remus and revenge. They even started with the same letter, genius.

Something felt odd the moment he apparated onto the dim muggle street. But it didn't matter how many bad feelings Sirius had; he was going to see Moony that night and together they would track down Peter.

A jet of light knocked him off his feet after only a few steps down the battered old sidewalk.

Nearly a dozen people emerged from the shadows in silence, surrounding him from all sides. Sirius tried to cry out and tell them it was all just a mistake. No such luck. Whatever they had hit him with had clamped his mouth firmly shut. He struggled furiously as a pair of hands closed around his arms. In the next instant, another jet of light rendered him unconscious.

Step two hadn't gone as planned either.

When Sirius next woke, he found himself on a flimsy cot in the corner of what appeared to be a jail cell. He sat up slowly, squinting through the poorly lit room for any sign of recognition. A half wall jutted out of the corner, covering something just of sight and a chair lay in the other corner. He slid off the thin sheets and peered around the wall. A rusty old toilet.

It didn't take long for him to figure out where they had taken him.

He'd never been to the prison before, but he didn't know of any others they might have taken him to. Dozens of muggles had seen Peter blow up that street and thought Sirius had done it. Naturally, he would end up in Azkaban for something like that.

Of course, he would have ended up there anyway if he had gone through with his plan and killed Peter.

Sirius collapsed back into the cot and stared at the ceiling. How could he have been so stupid? The plan had been doomed from the start. If he killed Peter, there would be no evidence that he had been the actual secret keeper. Sirius would have been the only person alive who knew that information.

Only then did Sirius allow himself to roll over onto his stomach and bury his face into the hard pillow. His whole body shuddered with silent sobs, rattling the shaky legs of the cot. Everything, gone, just like that. All it took was one little rat to take away everything he'd ever loved.

In retrospect, Sirius supposed he had himself to blame as well. He had suggested Peter as Secret Keeper, he had decided that Remus had to be the traitor, he had ruined them.

The thought almost made him laugh.

"Now I'm even thinking like you, right, Moony?"

Of course, Remus was not there to hear, nor would he ever be. Sirius' heart ached to think that the other man would live out the rest of life thinking Sirius a traitor. And, in turn, he would no doubt live out the rest of his life in that cold little room.

No, he had done nothing wrong, regrettably. With newfound strength, Sirius rubbed away his tears and shot out of bed. "Did you really think I would give up that easy, Prongs?" he asked the empty room as he made his way to the barred door. He stuck one arm through the bars and got to his shoulder before he pulled back to dig into his robes for his wand.

Which of course had been taken. Glancing down at himself, Sirius noticed that the clothes he'd been wearing had been taken as well. Instead he found himself clothed in a drab, gray jumpsuit that did not suit him at all. "Hey! Anyone out there? I'm innocent!"

The dim hallway filled with the jeers of other prisoners. If he pressed himself against the bars of his own door, Sirius could see similar doors all along the long hall. Just when he prepared to shout again, a new voice spoke.

"Quiet, the lot of you!" It was a man's voice, deep and commanding. "Be nice to our new friend, will you?" He did not sound friendly in the slightest.

A great, silver bear ambled up to Sirius' cell, followed by a big man with his wand out. "Morning, Princess. I see you've finally decided to grace us with your presence." Howls of manic laughter sounded behind him.

Sirius looked the man over up and down. Nearly as wide as he was tall, he resembled his Patronus in every way, right down to the thick brown hair coating his body.

There were a number of ways to approach the situation. He could try bribing the man, use brute force, or be reasonable. Brute force was out, as the man looked like he could snap his neck in one blow, leaving him with bribery or reason. Of course, Moony would tell him to be reasonable; Prongs would probably go with bribery.

"Sorry mate, trying reason first," Sirius muttered under his breath. "Right, Mr…" He paused to look the man over for a nametag or something.

"Bilgewater."

"Ah, Mr. Bilgewater. I believe you have skipped my trial." Sirius' hands shook as he spoke. Being polite was one thing, being polite when he felt like screaming was another.

The laughter deafened him.

"Trial?" Mr. Bilgewater spat. "We have eyewitnesses who swear up and down that you killed Peter Pettigrew and all those muggles. No one else coulda dunnit; you were the only wizards there."

"But it wasn't me, it was Pettigrew! It was Pettigrew!" Sirius' fingers curled around the bars, shaking them as he spoke. "It wasn't me! I have to have a fair trial!"

More laughter filtered into the dark cell. "Pettigrew? Blew himself up did he?"

He could feel his whole body shaking. "Yes! You have to believe me. Let me speak to someone, anyone! Let me speak to Dumbledore!"

Bilgewater rolled his eyes, the silvery bear next to him doing the same. "Now he wants visitors. Listen here Black, you lot in this section don't get no requests. If you want to see someone, you better hope they like you enough to visit."

"Listen, Mr. Bilgewater, I have money. How much do you want? I can give you more galleons then you'd ever earn here in his hellhole." His voice came in pained whispers as he leaned close into the bars.

For a moment the big man stroked his bushy beard as if he were actually considering the deal. Sirius held his breath, boring into Bilgewater with a pleading stare.

"Ain't worth the risk. You're a popular man at the moment, Black, or should I say, unpopular." His whole body quivered as he laughed at his own joke. "I'm out, 's bad for my heart to be here so long. Have fun with the Dementors." And with that, he turned away and made for the door. A chorus of desperate shouts from the other prisoners followed him.

His only chance at freedom walked out the door with the great bear trailing behind.

The little room went cold in a matter of seconds. Sirius blinked, leaning out of the cell to see what had caused the sudden chill. Dementors, glided down the hall, casting a deathly silence over the other prisoners. Sirius retreated to the cot and pulled the thin blankets around himself. Never before had he seen a Dementor up close, or felt their particularly alarming effects. A feeling of utter hopelessness settled over him as he huddled under the sheets. Dark memories bubbled to the surface, and he did nothing to stop them.

" _Don't you dare drink that, Moony."_

_Weary eyes tore away from the innocent bottle on the coffee table. "I'm doing it to help my kind. Nothing is going to happen, Sirius."_

_But Sirius wasn't convinced. He rose from their threadbare couch and began to pace. "Why does it have to be you? Who knows what sort of mad things will happen once you drink that? You read the letter. It's untested; it might even kill you!"_

_Remus took a deep breath, remaining in his armchair and watching Sirius with annoyance. "Even if it did kill me, at least we would know it didn't work and it could be improved for future generations."_

_Silence filled the room as Sirius stopped dead in his tracks. He rounded on Remus, planting his hands on the armrests of the chair and bracing himself. "If it kills you? Merlin, Remus, it's not just about you! What would happen to me if it killed you? Don't you think I'd care? What about James and Lily and Peter… even Harry."_

_A look of defiance that Sirius wasn't used to seeing crossed Remus' face. "This is war, Sirius. If we can get this potion to work, we'll have the werewolves on our side. We'll have something to keep them sane every month and they'll come for that. I know they will."_

" _I don't care about the bloody war!" Sirius roared, pulling away and straightening himself up. The pacing resumed. "What you're doing is stupid, it's—"_

" _It's exactly what you're doing!"_

_Sirius started, whirling around to stare at Remus. It was rare for the other man to raise his voice like that._

_Looking as calm as ever, Remus laced his hands in his lap and closed his eyes. "Every day we go out there, risking our lives just like this. Maybe one day you'll get offed by a Death Eater, just like that. It's the same thing if I drink Wolfsbane."_

_Sirius could say nothing in response, for it was true, of course. He clenched his fists at his side, knuckles white. Damn Moony and his stupid logic; he always had to be right. "Fine. Take it. Don't expect me to get all weepy at your funeral," Sirius hissed, turning on his heel towards the bedroom door._

" _Won't be around to see it anyway." Sirius could hear the clink of glass as Remus filled a goblet with the thick potion._

_On some level, Sirius could understand. Though not a cure, the potion would allow Remus to keep his mind every month at the full moon while his body turned into a monster. Of course he would want a potion like that. On the other hand, why did it have to be Remus? There were plenty of other werewolves out there to test it on._

_Though he made a show of leaving the room, Sirius lingered in the doorway, his back to Remus. Somewhere behind him he could hear the potion being drunk and then the sound of gagging. In an instant, Sirius was there, hovering over Remus, who had bent over double._

_Before Sirius could say anything, Remus straightened up and held up his hands in reassurance. "Nothing happened. Just tastes terrible." A feeble smile crossed his lips as he set down the empty goblet._

_Sirius shifted uncomfortably, feeling a bit foolish that he had started something for nothing. Just as he was about to form some sort of apology, Remus pitched forward and into Sirius' arms. Startled, he pulled Remus upright. The other man sagged in his arms as though he couldn't hold himself up any longer. Sirius took back any apologies. That git. "Moony, what—"_

" _Sirius," his voice had become small and distant. "Just bring me to bed, please." He clawed at the front of Sirius' shirt, attempting to right himself._

" _You think I'm stupid? I'm taking you to St. Mungos!"_

_Remus paled. "No, they can't know what I took; it's not exactly legal yet."_

_Sirius swore violently under his breath as he dragged Remus to the bedroom. "Anything else you want to tell me, Remus? Merlin's beard, you couldn't have told me before you drank that?"_

" _You were being thick. You wouldn't have let me take it."_

_He nearly threw Remus into the bed. "I was being thick? What about you? Always sneaking about with those bloody monsters and now taking illegal substances? It's like I don't even know you anymore!"_

_Silence rushed into the room as Remus groped for the pillow and pulled it over his head. "Maybe you didn't even know me in the first place."_

_A cold feel settled around Sirius' chest as he turned away from the bed. "Fine, Remus, fine. I didn't know you at all. Poor Moony, so misunderstood and tortured that his own boyfriend never even knew him once in nine years."_

_A horrible rasping cough issued from Remus' throat. "Oh sh-shut up." The coughing echoed off the walls, turning into a grating retching._

_No matter how upset he was with Remus, no matter what his feelings were for him at that moment, Sirius could not leave him like that. He crept over to the bed and slipped a hand under the pillow to feel Remus' forehead._

" _Dammit, you're burning up."_

" _Give it a rest, Sirius."_

_Neither spoke for the rest of the night. Not as Remus hovered over the toilet with Sirius holding back his hair, not as Sirius paced around in agitation._

_Something went wrong between them that night, something Sirius could never put his finger on. But he knew, from that moment on, that he could never fully trust Remus again._

_It wasn't as if he had committed some great injustice, as Sirius had during his time at Hogwarts, but lately Remus had been so off that he really had to step back and examine their relationship. First the whole incident in Saint Mungo's, and now this. Had he never known the real Remus?_

_The thought was too terrible to imagine._

A month of being in that little cell nearly ruined him.

He sat in the corner, dead eyes fixed on the mysterious hieroglyphs on the wall. Jagged fingernails scrabbled at his matted hair as his eyes bored into the wall without really seeing anything. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew he must not think about anything at all, but he couldn't exactly remember why.

A bowl filled with a lumpy substance lay a few feet away, cold from sitting out for so long. Though his body cried for nourishment, his mind could not will it to move from that spot. A bony finger twitched, but nothing more. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten, but it didn't seem like a good idea at the time for whatever reason.

Something rustled by the door, causing him to shudder. A sickening aura rushed in the room accompanied by a blast of cold air. He shifted his thin legs to his chest and withdrew into himself, eyes never leaving the strange things etched into the wall. Alien voices filled his ears and images flashed before him.

People shouting, letters he couldn't quite read, a man dead on the staircase…

_Not again. Please…_

The scene shifted, throwing him back into his school days to something decidedly less depressing.

" _Sirius, we need to talk."_

_He looked up from doodling all over what had once been his homework. A chill ran down his spine the moment he met James' eyes. His best friend wore a rather grim expression that told him whatever they would be talking about would not be pleasant._

"' _Bout what?"_

_James tensed visibly, fingers digging into the soft grass. "You know bloody well what."_

_Sirius swallowed, setting aside his school work and shifting positions. "Enlighten me."_

_Of course he knew what James wanted to talk about. For months that git had been watching him, boring holes in his head with his eyes, just waiting for Sirius to bring up the subject himself. But Sirius wasn't going to bite. As far as he was concerned, the little incident had been resolved. Snape had kept his greasy little mouth shut and time had healed James' wounds._

" _It's about Moony, you git. You can't honestly think he's forgiven you?"_

" _Nonsense! We spoke at breakfast; told him his prefect badge looked particularly lovely today." Sirius looked as though the issue took him by surprise, but he knew better._

_Ever since the incident, Remus hadn't said more than five words to him. Well, at a time anyway. Though he still smiled and made an attempt to seem normal when Sirius was present, it was all forced. Somehow, Sirius had gotten it in his mind that everything would just resolve itself. If he brought up the topic with Remus, it would just remind him what a prat Sirius was and they would be back at square one._

_James twitched in irritation, letting out a long sigh. "You might be my best mate but you're awfully thick," he growled, crossing his arms over his chest. "Honestly, you can't be that thick. Can you even imagine what Remus is going through? He trusted you!"_

_"I didn't tell Snape anything!" Sirius insisted fiercely. "I just told him where to go!"_

_"Did you know he was in love with you?"_

_The whole world came to a grinding halt._

_On any other day, Sirius might have said something like "who, Snivelly? You know he's not my type" or something similarly stupid. But all smart remarks had fled his mind and left him momentarily speechless._

_"What?"_

_But James looked particularly pale and stunned at that moment. His hands flew to his mouth and leaned back, away from Sirius. "I didn't say that! Merlin's bloody beard, I did not say that!" He suddenly lurched forward and took hold of the front of Sirius' robes. "Don't say anything, just forget—"_

_Sirius shoved James away and turned to shove his things in his bag before scrambling to his feet. "We're going on a walk. Now."_

_Without waiting for James, Sirius set off towards the Quidditch Pitch, hands shoved into his pockets. Moments later, the other boy fell into step with him, silent._

_What could he say to that? Various insecurities bubbled up to the surface with those few words. Sure, sometimes he felt something… odd between himself and Remus, but he would never have called it love. Anyone could have said those stupid things in the second year, any person who knew some dumb fact about the stars._

_But it didn't even matter what his feelings were. James had said_ was _. He_ was _in love with you, as in, he no longer felt that way. Right, who in their right mind would love him after that?_

_His hands started to shake. If James noticed, he didn't say anything about it. He just continued to walk with his eyes fixed on the ground._

_"What do I do, Prongs?" His voice came in a low, defeated whisper. In that one breath he had admitted his fault and it was worse than he could have imagined. Every manner of negative thought flooded his mind, telling him he was the worst of all people. He had betrayed all of them that night._

_"Dunno. Reckon you better off yourself or something." Apparently James' slip up had left him even more irritated than before._

_Sirius stopped in his tracks. They hadn't quite reached the pitch, but he didn't care where they went, as long as it was away from everyone. "I'm sorry, alright James? I'm sorry I almost got you killed and I could have exposed Remus to the whole school! Are you happy, is that what you wanted me to say?"_

_For some inexplicable reason, he could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes._

_James looked away, dragging his foot through the dirt. "Don't say it to me, mate. I know." He swallowed thickly before looking back to Sirius. "I know."_

_Neither boy much fancied getting touchy-feely, especially with each other. Nevertheless, James stuck out a hand rather awkwardly, which Sirius took before pulling him into a hug. They broke apart rather quickly and avoided eye contact._

_"What do I say to Moony?"_

_"Well don't say anything about… you-know-what." James shook his head and sighed. "Merlin, I can't believe I said that…"_

_Sirius shrugged it off. He had no clue what to think about you-know-what and frankly didn't want to until he had sorted out the first situation. "I won't. Trust me."_

_"Well… I suppose you ought to just beg for his forgiveness."_

_"I suppose."_

_Unfortunately begging was not his strong suit._

The words on the wall stood out sharper than ever as the memory faded away. Vaguely, he could remember scratching them into the rough stone with the leg of a chair he'd broken.

26x brighter than the sun

It had been years since Remus uttered those ridiculous words of comfort, but Sirius never forgot them. Neither had spoken of the incident, but it always floated around the back of his mind when things got bad. He would count his current situation as a little more than "bad."

Without another thought, Sirius leaned over and picked up the bowl of gruel.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annd here's the time skip. Also the longest chapter.

Of course, the year Remus finally landed a decent job happened to be the same year Sirius broke out of Azkaban.

Though Remus had considered teaching for years, he never wanted to take the risk of exposing young people to his affliction. Not only that, he found himself utterly terrified of returning to Hogwarts. He hadn't set foot in the castle since he visited Dumbledore's office after Lily and James died. Somewhere in those halls lingered the ghost of his adolescent self; young, foolish, and utterly in love with a madman.

There were other wizarding schools, sure, but no Headmaster as understanding or well equipped to deal with his furry little problem. For a few years, he had entertained the idea of teaching English to muggle children in non-boarding schools, but ultimately never went through with it. It would have meant constructing another life and learning how to live with muggles, something he frankly didn't have the energy for.

The final straw came with a particularly nasty piece of legislation that severely restricted the jobs a werewolf could hold. With no other options, he went to Dumbledore.

Just the walk to his office had been painful.

But it paid off and he found himself in Diagon Alley the very next day. Defense against the Dark Arts had never been his favorite subject, and as such he had a lot to learn before the school year began.

Diagon Alley remained much the same as always. Witches and wizards bustled around the market place from sale to sale while children pressed their faces against display windows of brooms and owls. Having worked in Flourish and Blotts for the months leading up to his termination, he knew just how to navigate the crowds. It wasn't long before he found himself pulling open the creaky wooden door he had grown to know so well.

Books surrounded him the moment he stepped inside. Though not a high paying job, working there had been particularly rewarding due to the massive amounts of books he handled on a daily basis. During slow hours, he would simply disappear into a corner and read.

The man behind the counter turned as the door opened. "Ah, Remus, back again I see. I hope you're not here for your job back, because I'm afraid I just can't—"

"No, no I've actually found employment. Thank you, Mr. Blotts."

Mr. Blotts was a very tall man, easily towering over Remus and most others that came into his shop. Almost entirely bald, he looked the exact opposite of his late partner Mr. Flourish, a tiny man who boasted a full head of hair combined with an almost frightening beard. His portrait hung behind the counter and had a knack for always knowing exactly where one could find the book they were looking for.

"It's a darn shame we had to let that one go, eh Boris?" said Mr. Flourish's portrait, shaking his head sadly. "It's the damn government, that's what it is. Always thinking they can tell people what to do, it's tyranny that's what it is!"

"Exactly, Nigel, exactly." Mr. Blotts had nearly bent double to lean over the counter. Just as he opened his mouth to address Remus, the portrait plowed on.

"And doya know what I heard from the witch in the minister's office? Apparently, the ministry can't even keep tabs on their inmates anymore! One of 'em got out this morning. Maybe you remember him, Lupin; he was about your age. Big supporter of You-Know-Who." He paused and stroked his beard, as if building up the drama of his reveal.

A sick feeling wormed its way into Remus' stomach.  _Don't say Sirius Black. Do not say Sirius Black._

Mr. Blotts rolled his eyes and glanced over his shoulder to the painting. It depicted Mr. Flourish standing behind the very same counter Mr. Blotts stood behind, giving the scene the very strange effect of a portrait in a portrait. "Get on with it then! Who was it that escaped and why isn't it all over the Prophet?"

"I  _told_ you, all those higher up bastards are bloody corrupt!" Mr. Flourish insisted indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's all very hush, hush right now. They're trying to find him before word gets out."

Remus could bear the suspense no longer. "Who was it?" He tried to appear casual as both man and painting turned to look at him. Of course, there were other people in Azkaban who were "big supporters of you-know-who" and "around his age." The escapee would probably turn out to be some Slytherin he hadn't heard about in ages.

"Sirius Black."

Mr. Blotts gasped, Remus went white, and Mr. Flourish looked entirely pleased with himself for delivering such shocking news.

"Yep, even heard he was planning on going after Harry Potter. Seems he wanted to finish what he started."

"I have to go."

Their eyes fell on Remus once more. Before either could speak, he bolted for the door and wrenched it open. He could hear man and painting arguing as the door clicked shut behind him.

People blurred by as he stumbled back to the Leaky Caldron. It had to be a bad dream. Out of all the people in Azkaban, Sirius had to be the one to escape. Remus was vaguely surprised to learn that Sirius was even still alive, as the prison had an infamous reputation for breaking their inmates so badly they died.

No matter what Mr. Flourish had heard, Remus could never picture Sirius killing Harry. The thought caused him to nearly fall into the fireplace of the Leaky Caldron. His heart twisted all over again as he reminded himself how Sirius had already betrayed Lily and James and murdered Peter. Killing Harry would be nothing, no matter how much he had appeared to love that baby so long ago… His nails bit into his palms as the fire swirled around him.

He made for the kitchen as soon as his feet touched down in his fireplace. He needed a drink.

_"Moony?"_

_Remus tensed, looking up from his book and forcing an uneasy smile to his lips. He shifted against the headboard of his bed and crossed his legs. "Yes?" Amber eyes darted back to the book and away from the boy in the doorway. Sirius, of course. Just the person he didn't want to see._

" _I wanted to tell you something." The sound of footsteps filled the quiet dormitory._

" _Go on." His eyes didn't leave the book, but they had stopped moving; he couldn't concentrate any longer with Sirius in the room._

_Really, he did want to forgive Sirius. It was just Sirius' nature to do something stupid like that for no regard for the consequences. And for some reason, Remus sort of… well, fancied him._

_Fancied him quite a bit really._

_But he couldn't think that way anymore. Even if Sirius couldn't control his juvenile impulses, the way he had spoken to Remus in the hospital was just awful. He hadn't been remorseful in the slightest._

" _I'm sorry."_

_Remus nearly dropped his book in shock._

" _Excuse me?"_

_Sirius cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably on his heels. "I said I'm sorry." A frown marred his handsome features. "I just…" He clenched his fists and stared at the ground. "I'm sorry…"_

_Though he knew he shouldn't have, and that a few words couldn't undo months of suffering, Remus forgave him in that moment. He shouldn't have so easily let the issue go, but at that moment he could just tell how sorry Sirius was._

" _It's fine Padfoot, really. Thank you."_

_Sirius bit his lip. "No, no it's not fine. I'm such a git." He flopped onto the bed, looking a bit pathetic._

" _Yeah, you are a bit of a git," Remus agreed, setting the book aside. "But I mean, that's just you, you can't really change that."_

" _No, I'm the worst!" He sat up and scooted over towards Remus. "How can you even say that to me after what I did? First, I told Snivelly," Remus could feel Sirius' breath, "then I told you I didn't care about what happened to him," Merlin, he was way too close, "and then I decided to be a bloody prat and pretend none of this ever happened!"_

_Though he tried his best to look away, Remus' eyes remained locked with Sirius'. At some point during his rant, Sirius had managed to inch closer and closer until finally they were nearly nose-to-nose. "Well I can't say you're my favorite person at the moment."_

" _Good! I shouldn't be!" For some reason, Sirius didn't seem to be conscious of their extreme closeness. "Honestly, it's a wonder you're still friends with me." He paused, scanning the other's face for a moment. "We are still friends, right?"_

_A little smile crossed Remus' face. "Yeah, we're still friends."_

" _You are a saint Moony, really, even when I don't bloody deserve it." Sirius shook his head before saying, rather casually, "I can't even imagine the reason you fancy me."_

_His knee jerk reaction was to shove Sirius away and press himself into the headboard. Sirius fell back, looking just as shocked as Remus felt. "Lily told you? Merlin, I can't believe—"_

" _No! It was James, but—"_

_Well, great. Not only had Lily betrayed his trust by telling James, but James had gone ahead and told Sirius. The whole school probably knew his personal life by that point. He couldn't even fathom why he'd told Lily in the first place, but it was just something he felt he had to tell someone…_

" _Look, let's just never speak of this again. Okay?"_

_Normally Sirius would have never let an issue like that drop, but Remus suspected he complied because he was still in very hot water._

Remus could scarcely believe the Marauder's Map was back in his possession. For weeks it sat, unopened, in his desk drawer, mocking him and his inability to even look at it. Unfortunately, he could put off looking at it for no longer. The faded parchment trembled in his grip as he tapped his wand against it idly. He could not bring himself to utter the words he had not spoken in years.

Instead, words began to form across the page of their own accord.

_Mr. Prongs wonders if maybe Mr. Moony has forgotten how to work the map, again._

His breath caught in his throat, solidifying into an uncomfortable lump. An overwhelming desire to put the map away seized his mind, but he couldn't move now, more words were already forming.

_Mr. Wormtail hopes Mr. Moony is doing well and has not turned into a feeble old man who's lost his mind._

He bit his lip.

_Mr. Moony would like to assert that he is sure his future self retains all of his mental capacities._

A weak chuckle escaped his lips before he realized who had to be next…

_Mr. Padfoot requests that Mr. Moony keep his sentimental old man tears from staining the map._

Right on cue, a tear dripped off his chin and splattered the bottom corner of the map. He scrubbed at his eyes hastily with a heavily patched sleeve before laying his wand to the map once more.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

The map unfolded at once, ink spilling across the blank page and forming the intricate map of Hogwarts he knew so well. He leaned in close, looking for three names in particular. Harry, Ron, and Hermione, no doubt off to visit Hagrid on the night of his hippogriff's execution.

Just as he thought, he spotted the three dots moving towards the hut on the edge of the grounds. He sighed and rested his cheek against his hand. If he were a proper teacher he would have reported them to Dumbledore for being out of the castle.

To ease his guilt, he decided to watch the map until they were safely inside the castle. After only a few minutes, his eyelids became heavy and his head drooped forward. He snapped to attention at once, shaking his head to wake himself and returning to the task at hand. Transformation nights had always made him feel particularly irritated but lately they just tired him out.

After what felt like ages of staring and nodding off, the dots finally left. Remus breathed a sigh of relief as he looked to his watch. Snape would be along soon to bring him his potion and then he could go to bed. But as he returned focus to the map, he noticed something very, very wrong.

Peter Pettigrew.

His blood ran cold. It was a mistake, some sort of prank from the past that plotted Peter on that map. Peter was dead, had been dead for years. As his mind worked furiously to process the information, another dot charged out of the woods towards Harry and his friends.

Sirius Black.

The dots labeled Ron Weasley and Peter Pettigrew were dragged back towards the Whomping Willow as Remus watched in wide eyed horror. His heart hammered against his chest as he bolted from the chair, snatched his coat off the rack, and threw the door open.

As he pelted down the halls, he tried to make some sort of sense of it all. If Peter was alive, then Sirius had not killed him. If Sirius had not killed him… What did that mean? Well it didn't mean much of anything; Sirius had still betrayed Lily and James and caused their deaths. Or had he?

As hard as he tried, he couldn't help but hope that, somehow, Sirius was innocent.

" _You can't deny it anymore, Moony; I know you still fancy me."_

" _Pretty cocky of you, I think," Remus retorted, pressing himself further into the aging wall of the Shrieking Shack. Though Sirius stood on the opposite side of the room, Remus couldn't get far enough away. "That was last year, it was a phase."_

" _A phase, really?" Sirius paced back and forth, eyes fixed on the floor. "Should have told me that before letting me get all bloody worked out about it."_

_Fingers scrabbled against the rotting wood. "What?"_

_After keeping silent about Remus' little secret for the entire summer and well into the fall, Sirius had, out of the blue, started bringing it up more and more, to Remus' chagrin. He did this in private, of course, but Remus didn't want to hear about it. He knew Sirius was just trying to stoke his own ego or something mad like that._

_"Listen, do you fancy me or not? We've only got a half hour until the moon rises." Sirius stopped and turned to face Remus for the first time._

_A long, exasperated sigh escaped his lips. "I'm not in the mood for this, Padfoot. You should know better."_

_"Well this is the last time I'm going to ask," Sirius huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Do you know how much I had to beg Peter to pretend to be sick? He loves running around as a bloody rodent."_

_Remus could feel himself blushing furiously. Of course, he hadn't ended up with Sirius alone by accident. This left him slightly conflicted as he mulled over the possibilities. One: Sirius simply wanted to know so he could gloat (in private, hopefully) about how he was so charming even men fell for him. Two: he fancied Remus back._

_He didn't dare get his hopes up._

_"And how did you get rid of James? I suppose he doesn't have a date with Lily?"_

_Sirius rolled his eyes. "Of course he does, that one was just lucky. He felt a bit bad about it being on the full moon, but I told him I would be here."_

_"I see." Remus left the comfort of the wall to sit on one of the badly chewed up sofas in the room. "Listen Sirius, I really am not in the mood for all of this, so would you kindly shut up and drop it?"Having his feelings rejected would be bad enough on a normal day, but having his feelings rejected so close to transformation would no doubt spark some extreme negative reaction._

_"No, I'm not going to shut up and drop it." He crossed the room and sat on to the opposite end of the couch, too close for comfort. "Just tell me, Moony, and I'll stop bothering you!"_

_On any other day, Remus would have made some sort of joke or simply lied and said no, but the moon had a peculiar effect on him. "I fancy you. Does that answer your question? Go on then, go have a laugh or boast about it, whatever insufferable prats like you do. I don't even—"_

_Sirius' mouth, against his._

_He had no idea how it had happened. One moment they had been sitting on opposite ends and the next Sirius was leaning over him, one arm braced on the couch and the other cupped against his cheek. Their lips moved together awkwardly, noses bumping as Remus tried to adjust himself._

_While it was not his first kiss, it was his first with a boy, and his first with someone he'd known for forever and day._

_Remus was first to pull away, doubting his lungs could take any more. He stared openmouthed at Sirius for some moments before trusting himself to speak. "Well… dammit Padfoot could you have picked a worse time for this?"_

_A grin broke out across Sirius' face. "Temper, Moony, temper!" His fingers slid into Remus' hair. "I reckon we've got a solid five minutes before I should transform. Let's make them count, eh?"_

Dumbledore's letter had told Remus to expect Sirius within the hour.

His first thought had been to arrange the flat a bit to accommodate his new guest—the letter stated he would be staying for awhile—but his second cancelled the first out at an alarming rate.

It was just Sirius; they shared the same bed, naturally.

The thought froze Remus in his tracks. He stood in the middle of the bedroom, eyes fixed on his rather small bed. They might have been able to fit if they really squeezed in there, but the real issue was his desire to  _sleep in the same bed as Sirius._

In the year after Sirius' escape the two had little contact, finding it too risky to send owls and even riskier to chance a visit in person. Even when Sirius stayed at Hogsmeade they didn't meet. It was an unspoken, mutual agreement that Remus convinced himself was for the best.

It didn't help that Remus found himself terribly nervous about meeting Sirius again.

What could they say to each other after all those years apart? They hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms and Remus had spent a good thirteen years hating Sirius. Their brief encounter in the Shrieking Shack had been far too serious to think of silly things like how to talk or act.

In short, Remus had no idea how to behave around the man he had once loved.

There were times he was sure he still loved Sirius and times he tried to convince himself that part of his life was over. It just couldn't work out and Sirius probably didn't feel that way anymore anyway.

All those years in Azkaban had changed Sirius, though Remus did not know the full extent of it. Maybe it had robbed him his ability to love, or simply changed him in ways that made him so unbearable that Remus no longer loved him.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. Scrambling away from his bed, he made his way into the living room before hesitating. After smoothing down his graying hair—why hadn't he thought to dye it?—he wrenched open the knob with a bit too much force.

He knew something was wrong the moment he opened the door. There stood Sirius, leaning against the faded wall of the flat with his breath coming in short, ragged bursts.

"Sirius, what—" The rest of his sentence died away as Sirius stumbled forward into Remus' arms.

"Haven't apparated in awhile," he breathed into Remus' neck. "Right in front of a car."

Remus' tensed as he pulled away to get a better look. Sirius sagged against him; he could no longer stand on his own. In that brief moment Remus saw the tattered clothing and blood splattered along his side. He inhaled sharply before pulling Sirius inside and snapping the door shut.

Blood dripped onto the faded blue carpet as Remus hauled the other man to the sofa. Sirius fell into it heavily, eyes screwed shut and teeth gritted.

"It's okay," Remus muttered, but he knew they were empty words. He hadn't been particularly well versed in healing spells and knew they couldn't risk going to Saint Mungo's. Trembling hands stripped away the ruined remains of Sirius' shirt, revealing a number of deep cuts and dark bruises.

"Whatever you say, Moony."

Had Sirius not been bleeding all over his couch, Remus would have secretly delighted in being referred to by his old nickname. Even using those silly names had seemed too intimate, too familiar for two people who had not seen each other for ages. Luckily, Sirius had done it first.

But he didn't have time for those stupid thoughts. He turned his attention back to the task at hand. With his wand, he managed to clear away most of the blood—which had been making him a bit ill—and get a good look at the damage. It looked to be an easy fix for a healer, but Remus was no healer. He bolted to his feet and dashed to the bookshelf in the corner, groping for any book that might help. _The Healer's Helpmate_  fell into his hands.

He ripped open the book, skipping to a section on bigger injuries.

_If your patient has internal injuries, best get them to hospital._

Feeling altogether panicked, Remus glanced to the man lying on his couch. "Sirius?" No response. He set the book down and crept back to his side. "Sirius?"

A weak moan floated up response. Sirius looked to be on the verge of consciousness, face pale and eyes shut tight. Remus swallowed and leaned over to check the wound once more. From what he could see, the gash seemed deep but he couldn't tell if the injuries were internal. He really didn't want to chance a healing.

But what could he do? They couldn't go to St. Mungo's; that much was obvious. Sirius would be arrested immediately. And they couldn't go to Hogwarts either for everyone would still be around from the Triwizard Tournament. Which reminded him: Sirius had yet to tell him the results, and it hadn't been mentioned in Dumbledore's letter. It didn't really matter at that moment though.

For a moment he entertained the idea of going to see a muggle healer, but banished it at once. Even though the muggles only knew Sirius as some sort of criminal, he had still been all over their news.

Then the only remaining option appeared, clear as day.

"Sirius, can you still transform? I'm… Well I'm going to take you to one of those muggles who heals animals."

That woke Sirius up. His eyes snapped open and he stared incredulously at Remus for a moment before a weak smile tugged at his lips. "You're mental. Abso—" a sharp gasp of pain escaped his lips, "—luetly bonkers. But I suppose it's my only choice, isn't it?"

Remus nodded, wincing at a fresh spurt of blood from the wound. "It doesn't seem entirely life threatening… so I suppose the muggles would know how to handle it…"

Healers he could trust, but muggle healers? The thought of them messing up made his skin crawl, at least those muggles seemed to know what they were doing. There was no telling what would happen if Remus attempted the healing.

"Alright. I'll see if I can still transform then. Just don't let those nutters do anything funny." Sirius closed his eyes and became very still. A whimper slid from his throat as black hair sprouted all over his body and his limbs changed. Tattered clothes fell to the floor as the black dog emerged.

Remus used his wand to transfigure some of Sirius' ruined clothes into bandages and pressed them against the open wounds in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he chided himself for not doing it sooner.

For once, Remus found having a muggle car to be extremely useful. Though nothing special, just some old model that he'd picked up for practically nothing, it did get him from place to place without attracting suspicion. It no longer ran as it once had, and Remus had no idea how cars actually worked, so he had spelled the thing to move when he hit the gas. Simple.

Gingerly, he picked up the dog and made his way to the car, careful of aggravating his wounds. He laid Sirius in the passenger seat and crawled into the driver's side. The car ride was taken in silence, Sirius' panting the only sound. Remus drove as best he could under the circumstances; the last thing he needed was to be pulled over. It didn't help that he drove without a license. He'd made up a fake one with magic but would feel terrible if he actually had to show it to a policeman.

Finally, he pulled up outside a tiny building nestled in the shadows of a shopping center. Neon lights blared out "PET HOSPITAL OPEN 24/7." He had passed by it several times, never dreaming he would have a need to even set foot in there. With Sirius in his arm, he pushed open the door with his shoulder.

The small room resembled any other waiting room, except the walls were papered with pictures of dogs and cats. A sleepy old man blinked up at Remus from the reception desk and shuffled his papers. "How can I help you?" His bleary eyes found Sirius. "Oh."

Remus shifted the dog in his arms and he whined in response. "Hit by a car, not too bad though." He tried to sound confident, as if the animal in his arms were merely his pet and not his friend/former lover.

Emphasis on  _former._

The old muggle got to his feet and leaned over the desk for a better look. "Best get him in the back before we fill out the paper work. This way, please."

Paperwork. Great, Remus would have to lie to the old man and possibly hex him. That also brought to mind the issue of payment. He had no muggle money, and very little wizard money. Most muggles paid with a bit of plastic, which Remus didn't have either. Well, he'd figure that out when the time came.

The stooped old man lead the way into a back room lined with rows and rows of cages containing a menagerie of cats and dogs. In the middle of the room sat a long metal table flanked by various instruments.

"Just set him down there. Has he got all his shots?"

"Yes," Remus replied automatically, gently laying Sirius on the table. The dog looked up at him with tired eyes. Remus could just see the beginnings of gray on his muzzle.

The more Remus thought about it, the more mature Sirius' dog form became. Last time he'd had a proper look at the dog had been ages ago, before all that Azkaban business. The old Padfoot had been young, the awkward stage between adolescence and adulthood.

"And how old is he?" the old muggle asked, clipboard in hand now.

Remus paused. Once he'd heard that dogs aged seven years to every human year, but his mind was too fuzzy to do any sort of calculations. The only number in his head came out of his mouth. "Seven, he's seven."

The sound of a pen scratching against paper filled the room. "Alright Mr… what did you say your name was?"

"Black."

Right, the one name he shouldn't have used.

Sirius snorted from the cold metal bed.

Though Remus wasn't the one who had to conceal his identity, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. The whole ordeal appeared to be affecting him more than he'd previously thought. In his state of forced calm, he'd tricked himself into thinking everything was alright. Obviously, it wasn't if he started saying stupid things like that.

But the man didn't seem to make the connection to Sirius Black. Of course, the case was already a year old, and not a huge deal to the muggles.

"Black. And the dog's name?"

"Padfoot." At least he hadn't said anything stupid there.

"Okay then, Mr. Black, just wait out there," he said with a weary smile. "The doctor will see him shortly. Don't worry too much; it doesn't look to be fatal."

"O-of course, thank you." Remus glanced down at Sirius one final time and patted his head. Sirius gave a weak wag of his tail in reply. The gesture nearly broke his heart.

Reluctantly, Remus returned to the waiting room and fell into a chair. To think, he had been worrying about something as silly as how to act around Sirius just an hour previous.

The next two hours crawled by as Remus sat there wondering if he'd made a huge mistake. He could have found some healer to bring Sirius to, one that would have fixed him in minutes. Or he could have just manned up and attempted the healing himself. Nevertheless, he had to live with himself as he stared at pictures of doe-eyed animals all bandaged up. The old receptionist wandered out to give Remus the remainder of the paperwork at one point and he lied on most of it.

Finally, the door to the back room swung open. Remus leapt to his feet, forgetting that Sirius was supposed to be his dog. The nervous energy manifested all over again, sending a shudder through his body.

The same old receptionist stood in the doorway, beckoning Remus with a wave of his hand. "Mr. Black? Your dog is alright, it wasn't as bad as it looked. He's just dazed right now from the anesthesia; you'll be able to take him now if you like."

Twenty minutes later, Remus arrived home with an unconscious dog and renewed anxiety.

It was nearly one in the morning, far past the time he usually fell asleep and it only served to amplify his silly internal conflicts. Again, where would he put Sirius? The obvious place to put an injured person—dog was the bed and Remus could just take the couch. But he felt a bit silly, giving a dog the whole bed. Well, actually, Sirius would find it silly and probably say something about it…

Remus could have laughed at how stupid he was being.

Finally, he settled on laying the black dog out at the foot of his bed and taking a seat at the top. The only movement from Sirius had been twitching of his paws or tail, something that sort of worried him. The healer had explained that it took time for the "anesthesia" to wear off, but Remus had no clue what that meant. Long ago, he had studied muggles in school, but most of the information had long been forgotten.

Sirius gave a low whine, prompting Remus to scramble to his side. The healer had put some funny cone on his head "to prevent him from biting the wound" and Remus had yet to remove it. Secretly, he found it to be a bit amusing. Some part of him still held onto those days of mischief at Hogwarts, no matter how hard he tried to suppress it.

A bandage wound around the dog's midsection and part of his left hind leg, covering a wound that the healer wanted to check on in a few weeks. They would not be going back. In the end Remus had to hex the poor healer and his secretary as he had no money on his person. But he promised himself that one day he would sneak into the building and deposit the full amount and then some into where ever they kept the money.

He yawned, glancing to the clock on the wall. Satisfied that Sirius seemed to be alright for the moment, Remus leaned forward to remove the ridiculous lampshade from his head. With a chuckle he tossed it aside and got ready for bed.

Somehow Remus Lupin woke up next to a very naked Sirius Black.

At first he couldn't identify the object curled up against his back, then figured it must have been Sirius, in dog form, naturally. He sat up slowly, so as not to wake the dog next to him, and glanced over.

Sirius naked. In his bed.

It had been years since he had seen Sirius naked. Last time he had been young and healthy, but now his skin clung to his bones, making him sharp and angled. At least Sirius had thought to pull the blanket up to his waist, lest Remus feel even more awkward about the whole thing.

Remus took hold of the faded old quilt and pulled it up to Sirius' chin before smoothing back his thick black hair. He drew back his hand as if it had been burned. The touch had come naturally, as if they had never parted. But he had to be reasonable; he could not expect them to fall back into their old relationship.

The sleeping man stirred, eyes fluttering open. "Mnn, morning," he mumbled, easing himself up on his elbows. Remus made to help him, but hung back, reminding himself that he had to be mindful of his actions.

"How are you feeling?"

A wide yawn sent a shudder through his body. "I dunno. 'm alright I guess."

"When did you change back?" Remus tried not to look at Sirius' exposed torso.

Sirius looked confused for a moment before glancing down to himself. "Oh. Suppose I did change back, didn't I?" He looked to Remus, accidently knocking shoulders with him in the tiny bed. "You didn't take advantage of me, did you, Moony?"

Remus couldn't remember the last time he'd blushed like that.

Everything he used to know in the old Sirius came back in one sentence. The way his eyes sparkled, the cocky grin, raised eyebrows. They could have been sitting in their old dormitory at Hogwarts or in the flat they shared after. Anywhere they used to be in love.

It took Remus a moment to find himself, to search for some smart remark that would confirm that he too was just as he had been in the old days. "Didn't, but it was tempting to think you wouldn't bark the whole time."

Just when he thought that maybe he'd gone too far, suggested something too intimate, Sirius threw his head back and laughed.

"Ow, ow, dammit, Moony don't make me laugh," he snorted, holding his bandaged side and leaning into Remus, just slightly.

It always amazed him how Sirius would laugh at the stupidest jokes he made. Remus never thought himself to be extremely funny, or even moderately funny, but Sirius always managed to find him hilarious.

"Wasn't trying to."

Sirius caught his breath and sat up straight again. "Hey… remember what we did last night? We went to a muggle healer," he took a few deep breaths to hold back laughter, "for bloody  _dogs_  and got away with it."

A reluctant smile crossed Remus' face as he watched Sirius struggle with inevitable laughter. "Want to see what they wanted me to stick on your head?"

Howls of laughter filled the room as Remus reached behind the bed and pulled up the lampshade object.

"What is that supposed to do?" Sirius gasped between laughs, hands clamped firmly against his wounded side.

"Keep you from biting your wounds. If I would have known something like that would work, I could have worn it at the full moon."

Sirius pounded his fists into the bed as he doubled over, laughter robbing him of speech. "Ow, ow, ow, Merlin! I can just imagine you with that stupid thing on your head."

"Don't think it would have lasted long."

The laughter subsided as Sirius lapsed into a coughing fit. Remus frowned, reaching out to him tentatively. "Let me see your wound, I can probably fix it up now."

"Sure, sure." Sirius lay back down and pulled back the sheets without hesitation.

Remus swallowed.

He tried not to appear awkward as he peeled away the bandages and kept his eyes focused on that one spot. The muggles had sewn the broken flesh together with thick black stitches.

"Looks better," Remus commented, turning to cast aside the soiled bandages. He grabbed his wand from the nightstand leaned in closer for a better look, willing his eyes not to wander. "Does it hurt?"

"Not really. Feels a bit odd, but that's it." Remus could feel Sirius' eyes on him as he waved his wand over the wounds, muttering under his breath. Sirius winced as the flesh melded together. "You've got a few more gray hairs than I remember."

"Suppose I do." The black stitches floated away. "You've got a few more ribs than I remember."

Remus looked up just in time to see Sirius smile a bit. "They haven't exactly got five star restaurants in Azkaban."

They had come to the topic of Azkaban. As much as hearing about Sirius' long years of suffering would pain Remus, he knew it was something the other man would have to talk about sometime. He kept quiet as he pulled the blankets up to cover Sirius once more.

"You want to know something, Moony?"

Expecting to hear some dark tale of how Sirius went mad in Azkaban, Remus nodded grimly. He folded his hands in his lap, still unsure if it was appropriate to touch the other man. In the past he might have held his hand or something.

"You're twenty  _seven_  times brighter than the sun."

"E-excuse me?"

"Twenty  _seven._ "

"What—" And then it clicked. Remus froze, looking to Sirius with wide, disbelieving eyes. "You remember that?"

"'Course I do. That's how I got through Azkaban, well partly anyway. I wrote it on the wall the first day and looked at every day after. Sometimes I forgot what it meant. I would just stare at that thing on the wall and wonder why the hell I'd written it."

Sirius looked slightly uncomfortable as he smoothed out the sheets. "I mostly thought about my innocence, but whenever I had moment without the Dementors, I thought about James and Lily and I wondered what Harry was up to, hoped he was doing well. And, well, I thought about you quite a bit."

What could Remus say to that? Something like: "Sorry, Padfoot, I only thought about how much I hated you the whole time." Well, truthfully he had often caught himself reliving memories of happier times that happened to include Sirius. Those thoughts had always been banished the moment they popped into his head, but after learning the truth about Sirius he allowed them to come back more and more frequently.

"You know, I was trying to get to your house when I was arrested," Sirius pressed on, sparing Remus from answering. "Bloody stupid, right? We weren't exactly best friends at that point, so you might've just turned me in."

He wanted to say "no, never," but it would not have been the truth.

"In the beginning, I told myself if I ever got out I was going to get back together with you, even if I had to beg. Didn't know it would take me this long to get out, so I reckon I'm going to have to do a lot of begging." He hesitated a moment, picking at a stray thread on the quilt. "Unless, you—"

Though usually not so bold, Remus leaned over and pressed his lips against Sirius'. There, in that tiny bed, pressed against an injured and naked Sirius, Remus finally felt whole again.

Sirius broke away suddenly, breathless and just a bit red. "Oh Merlin, Moony, he's back." His expression turned grim, entirely alarming to Remus who had just fallen in love all over again.

"Who…?"

"Voldemort. At the Tri-Wizard Tournament."

The room suddenly felt entirely too warm as the world fell apart.

How much more did he have to suffer by the hand of one man? Had he not ruined Remus' life enough already?

"No… Sirius, how?"

Sirius leaned back into the headboard and closed his eyes for a long moment before launching into the story. He didn't meet Remus' eye as he told about the graveyard and a boy's death and about how Harry had faced his nemesis once again. When it was all over, he took the other man's hand and fell silent.

"I suppose we're getting the band back together then."

An entirely inappropriate grin broke out across Sirius' face before he began to laugh. "Bloody hell, Moony, what did I say about making me laugh?" He leaned heavily into Remus as he wheezed and held his side. "Guess that's why I love you, you git."

And that was that. Even if they had to go into war again, even if the whole world fell apart, Sirius would be there. A strange euphoria settled over him, wildly inappropriate for just being told the Dark Lord had risen again.

Unfortunately, Remus being, well himself, blurted out, "Oh you do still love me then? I er… actually don't look all that great naked anymore."

The statement sent Sirius into more painful laughter, causing his whole face to flush. He threw his arms around Remus and buried his head into his shoulder as he laughed. "Would. You. Stop."

Really, Remus had been serious when he asked, but decided to keep his mouth shut on the matter. "Well then, I still love you, too." The words slid easily out of his mouth, as though he had never forgotten how to say them.

When Sirius finally caught his breath, he tilted his head up to press his lips against Remus'.

"What if I said you were a million times brighter than the sun?"

"Then I would say that you were ridiculously bent."


	6. Chapter 6

_Sirius had been receiving subtly degrading letters from home since he'd entered Hogwarts, but none quite like the one he held in his hand._

_It came at breakfast on a Saturday, carried by an unfamiliar black owl. The letter had been shoved into his pocket, as it bore his brother's name. Somehow, regular correspondence with his little brother did not seem like a cool thing for a twelve year old to do. He preferred to read and respond to the letters in private._

_At first, Regulus had been fairly disappointed that his brother had been sorted into Gryffindor. Sirius did his best to assure him that the dodgy old hat had simply made a mistake and that he belonged in Slytherin just as much as any other Black. As if to prove it to Regulus, Sirius associated with Slytherins exclusively for the first few weeks of his first year. Some took to him at once, recognizing his prestigious last name, others wanted nothing to do with a wayward Gryffindor._

_Then he had met James and the Slytherins seemed less and less appealing._

_Nevertheless, his little brother still idolized him. When Sirius came home for the holidays, Regulus followed him around as always, as if their time apart did nothing to their relationship. Somewhere in the back of Sirius' mind, he always worried that the boy would think less of him if he knew that all his friends were Gryffindors. So he said nothing of his friends, instead telling Regulus all things grand about Hogwarts._

_Letters from Regulus came more often than letters from his parents. That didn't bother Sirius in the slightest. Regulus never pressed him for details about everyone's blood status or wrote biting remarks._

_Letters from his parents were more or less the same as the letters other children received from their parents. How was he doing in lessons, was he getting enough to eat, was he avoiding fraternizing with mudbloods? There would be a snide remark or two about the house he'd been sorted into, but nothing Sirius couldn't handle. They were his parents, and every parent had a few faults._

_After breakfast, Sirius found himself in the dormitory alone. He told the others he had something to do and would meet them on the grounds in ten minutes, at most. Their letters were always short._

_That day more so than ever._

_Sirius,_

_Mum and Dad told me the Sorting Hat doesn't make mistakes. When I get to Hogwarts, I'm going into Slytherin and I never want to talk to you again._

_-Regulus_

_Those two sentences coursed through Sirius' thoughts like poison. Just like that, his brother hated him for stupid reasons. His little brother who once idolized and loved him…_

_What Sirius would have liked to do was write back something as equally hurtful. He wanted to say something like "took you long enough to find out, you little git," and throw in every insult he could think of. He wanted to scream into a howler and send it in the dead of night._

_Instead, Sirius felt tears forming at the corners of his eyes._

_The letter crumpled in his fist before he chucked it in the wastebasket by his bed. He crossed the room to the window and yanked the curtains closed, the light suddenly bothering him. Then he just stood there, in the middle of the room, hot tears filling his vision._

_Footsteps outside the dormitory brought him back to reality. In a hurry, he scrubbed away his tears with the back of his sleeve and dove for his book bag. He pulled out a book at random and fell onto the bed, shielding his face as though he was reading._

" _Sirius? You in here? Figured we would just find you."_

_James. He could not see Sirius like that. Sure, they were best friends, but Sirius would never want to see James cry, and he was sure James never wanted to see him cry. That was girl stuff. They were boys, and boys did not share their secret feelings or whatever._

" _Merlin, it's dark in here. Oh, I see him, James, on the bed." Peter, someone else who could not see him like that._

_As their footsteps drew closer, Sirius had no idea what to do. "Reading," he said weakly, hoping his voice didn't sound too off. "Go on without me."_

_He could barely see James' face in the darkness. "Reading? Since when? Come on, it's Saturday, only Remus reads on Saturday!" His fingers closed around the textbook and before Sirius could do anything, James pulled it away._

_Sirius did about the only thing he could; he pulled back his fist and punched James square in the face._

_An explosion of curses filled the room. Peter squeaked, scrambling back and out of the room, but James remained, hands clapped over his nose. "Bloody—" his words faulted when he caught sight of Sirius' expression. "What's—"_

" _Nothing! Get out before I hit you again!"_

" _Git," James hissed as turned on his heel and stormed out of the room. Sirius waited until his footsteps faded away before drawing the curtains and flopping onto the bed. He had no idea how long he laid there, tears streaming, before the door opened again._

_He bit his lip and frozen, hoping it was just James getting his books or something._

" _Sirius, are you there? It's Remus." The timid voice sounded far away, as if on another planet entirely. Sirius shifted uncomfortably, burying his face deeper into the pillow. Maybe if he didn't say anything, Remus would go away._

_No such luck. "Is something wrong?"_

_Though Remus would be infinitely more understanding to Sirius' problems than James, he still had no desire to see the other boy in his present state. "Sod off."_

_He could hear Remus draw closer and the curtains rustle. "I just want to know if you're alright…"_

_Of course Sirius wasn't alright, but what could he say? 'No, actually, I'm a bloody mess, thanks.' "I'm fine."_

_The curtains ruffled ominously. Very slowly, they drew back, casting what little light left in the room on Sirius. Now that made him angry. All he wanted was to be alone and there was Remus, all in his business. He tore his face from the pillow and glared. "I told you, I'm fine!"_

_He hadn't the strength to punch Remus as he had James, nor did he really want to. James could take it, James knew it wasn't personal. Remus, on the other hand, tended to take everything personally. Punching him would be like kicking a puppy or something._

_Puppy or not, the look on the boy's face made Sirius' stomach turn. Full of pity. For Sirius. He didn't need pity, he didn't like pity. Pity was for people who actually needed it, Sirius didn't need any pity; he was simply having a bad day. He would, eventually, live up to his family's expectations._

_Remus dropped the curtain and looked away, chewing on his lower lip. "Can I sit down?"_

_Sirius blinked, just staring at Remus for a moment. Slowly, he sat up and moved to the end of the bed. Something about the way Remus acted made Sirius think that he genuinely wanted to help. Maybe it would do him some good to let the other boy stay. "I guess."_

_He wiped away his tears as Remus sat down and lapsed into silence. He took a deep, shuddering breath, willing his breathing to return to normal._

" _Um, Sirius?"_

_Sirius looked up in mild irritation. Maybe Remus did not actually know how to make people feel better and was just going to continue to interrogate him. "What." There was no hint of question in his voice._

_And then Remus said something so odd that Sirius never forgot it. "Did you know that Sirius is the brightest star in the sky? It's twenty-six times brighter than the sun."_

_At first, he had no idea what Remus was talking about or why he had decided to spout some random facts. Then, inexplicably, it became funny to Sirius. Of course, Remus would do something like that. It was just like him to say something smart that didn't seem to relate in the slightest._

_Hoarse laughter forced its way out of his raw throat. "No. No I didn't. Is that supposed to mean something?" His shoulders shook, attempting to contain the laughter building inside him. Somehow, he couldn't allow himself to full out laugh when he felt so terrible._

_The other boy became visibly uncomfortable, fidgeting and getting red. "I guess not. Forget I said anything."_

_For a moment, Sirius thought to do just that. He could just dismiss Remus and return to wallowing in his own self pity. No, he didn't want to be alone anymore; he was done feeling sorry for himself. "You can't say something mental and then just take it back."_

" _Well… that's your name, Sirius, and… I don't know what's wrong, but you'll be okay because you're twenty-six times brighter than the sun. Well, I mean you don't give off light, and I don't mean bright as in smart, but I'm not saying you're not smart…"_

_It had to be the stupidest thing Sirius had ever heard. A shaky laugh escaped his lips and soon he was hunched forward, covering his face and shaking more than ever._

_At the same time, he thought something really odd had happened there. Someone believed in him again. Someone thought he was worth something and he didn't have to prove anything to him. Unlike his family who thought him unworthy for being sorted into the house he truly belonged, Remus seemed to genuinely like him for who he was._

" _Thanks…," Sirius said, glancing back up. "I guess." He had to add in the last bit to save face. Of course, he couldn't let Remus know how much that silly phrase had affected him. But any saving face was cancelled out the moment Sirius threw his arms around the other boy._

_He hadn't really planned the hug; it had just sort of happened and seemed like the proper thing to do anyway, even though it made Remus turn even redder._

" _Um… you're welcome?" was the meek response. "I suppose I should do my homework now."_

_Sirius watched him for a long moment before Remus finally stood up and made for the door. He flopped back onto the bed and laughed to himself._

 


End file.
